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Monday, November 30th, 2009
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11:20 am - 4 years
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tomorrow evening marks the 4 year anniversary of your "death." thankfully i will be very busy all day working so it shouldn't bother me too much. i know it will be hard to go to bed, though. i'll lay there and remember how it felt to loose you all over again. i'll pull out your picture and imagine being next to you, touching you, feeling your warm body next to mine... but instead all i'll feel is cold, lonely, and lost. but everything happens for a reason, right? i keep telling myself that over and over again but it really doesn't make me feel any better. trust me, i wouldn't trade any of the experience i had with you for anything. but i do often wish that it would have turned out differently. i wish we could have spent just one moment together. do you remember all the times we talked about how hard it was to love each other when we were so far away, but how it was going to be more than worth it when we were together? it was still worth it, regardless.
i just feel so lost right now. i know what i want out of life... i know what i need to do to achieve it... but what is the point if i have to do it all alone? what happens after i move to BC, get settled with a good job, and start my life? i feel like i'm living a story and i'm just following the script... its so predictable and boring.
i just don't know. my soul feels restless. my body feels anxious. the daily grind is crushing my spirit but there's nothing i can do about it. i wish you were here to remind me of whats most important in this world. i wish i could feel that love again and feel whole and happy for it. i guess in the end that's just how my script had to be. it's all for a reason... i just don't know what that reason is.
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 Live a dream
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| Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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8:53 am - the power of intention
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ever since my last entry i've been researching different areas in BC where i could easily find a job and find an affordable place to live with my dog. so far i've found that vancouver/ north vancouver has a dog supply store named Bosleys that seems to be the biggest pet store chain in BC. they also have a few grooming shops that they run and on their website they claim they are looking for asst managers, managers and pet specialists, all of which i have experience doing and could easily do there. i've also found a few nice sized apartments in the vancouver area for around $900 a month that do allow pets. honestly, i'd like to just find a house to rent but i guess to start off it would be better to stay in an apartment. i need to find out what i would need to do legal wise to get a visa and have my dog quaranteened to be able to ship her across the border. i'm thinking of taking a trip that way in march to check this stuff out as well. i had originally asked off for 11 days to go to florida to see my grandparents, but now i'd really rather go to vancouver and at least visit for a few days. of course i'd also like to take a trip to dawsons creek while i'm there, which i'd say is my only real gripe about vancouver, it is very far from dawsons creek. there's another small city, prince george, which is slighty closer but it is a much smaller city. i've searched for job opportunities and apartments there but they are slim pickings. i guess i could always initially start out in vancouver and work my way back east later down the line if i want. i am used to living near bigger cities though so i may just stay in vancouver and make an occasional trip out to dawsons creek for vacation or whatnot.
maybe it's silly to be so excited about this when it will still be several years before i'll have the means to be able to move. but i wanted to start the research now, i wanted to know for sure that i can do this on my own. it should be like moving any other time, except it will be a long trip to get there, and it'll be a new experience living somewhere very different from missouri (i'm so happy about that part!) last night i had a dream that i moved there and i was standing at the shore looking out across the ocean and onto vancouver isle, it was so beautiful. and i'm sure my dream didn't do it real justice, it truly is one of the most beautiful places on earth and i absolutely can't wait to be there. i can't wait to breathe the clean, cool air and meet all the new and interesting people there might be. it will be the real beginning of my life. i've been thinking about checking out the university there as well. i need to go ahead and finish up my classes and get some sort of degree. i'm not too many credit hours away from getting one, i just need to get back in there and do it. i've heard good things about the university there and it would be as good a place as any to finish my studies. college classes are always a good place to meet people as well, so there are multiple opportunities there.
i wish i could go today. i wish i didn't have to spend a few more years here. i know it will go fast, though. before i know it it will be time to leave. i've been sort of nervous thinking of doing this all on my own. i know it will be hard and at times i'll want to give up and stay where life is easy and normal. i won't let myself give up, though. this is truly what i want and i plan to make it happen. i guess there's always a chance that something could happen in the next two years that would totally change my mind but it would have to be something crazy and extremely important to keep me from doing this. i want to be there, i want to make my life there and one day soon i will.
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Live a dream
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| Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
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7:23 am - happy belated birthday, love
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i didn't forget about you. i thought about you alot on your birthday but i didn't get a chance to get on here and wish you well. so, while it is a little late, happy birthday baby.
you've been on my mind quite a bit lately. maybe because of all the birthdays and anniversaries that this time of the year brings about. i think it also just makes me sad to see another winter come about without you here to keep me warm. it's a cycle... every spring i feel sad i have to go another summer without you, and every fall i feel sad for another lonely winter. i guess that's just how it has to be. if i could change the way i felt about it, i would. i know you wouldn't want me to be sad like this, but i can't really help it.
so anyway, i've been thinking of moving to BC. i know i've mentioned it several times but i really think i'm going to have to do this. i'm just not happy here. and trust me, i've tried to be. i just don't mesh well with missourians, or with americans in general. i know that if i move that doesn't mean i'm going to find you. i have to be realistic about it. i'm not going to drag myself all the way out there on some false hope. but there's something in this universe that's telling me to go. i know no matter what i do i can't stay here. i have always hated missouri and it has always been priority number one that i get out of here as soon as i can. and while i would prefer to move somewhere sunny and warm year round, i would be more than willing to put up with the long cold winters just to be in a place that i knew you were once in. and i think just in general that i would be happier there. canadians are very different than americans, they're more my kind of people. moving there would be a new and exciting experience for me, and from what i've heard of the country side i'm sure the beauty of it all will keep me there forever. which i'm perfectly fine with. like i said, i just can't stay here. the people are all the same, self involved, self righteous assholes who really don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. the men are all the same too. boring homebodies that watch football on sundays and are entirely too addicted to their careers. they bore me, and dissapoint me. i know in the end it's just because they're not you. and sometimes i catch myself trying to compare them. there will never be a comparison. there will never be another man like you. and you know what... i don't think i have a choice anymore in whether or not i'm going to be alone the rest of my life. i absolutely cannot settle for second best. and since i can't have you then i guess i'm just going to have to make due with my own company. thankfully i am a strong person, i like to say because i strive to be like you. so i guess in that way i'm not alone. we'll always be together like that.
anyway, i feel like i'm talking in circles this morning. i have so much on my mind. life has been totally crazy lately. i work pretty much non stop now, but i don't mind. i see a light at the end of the tunnel. i recently got promoted to manager of the grooming shop i work at. i've also been teaching training classes every week. my goal is to stick it out with this company for two or three more years, and then i should be able to go anywhere and easily get a job training or grooming or something in the dog world. it's a small and tight knit community and thankfully recession has not affected us. and it's a job i can really do anywhere.
intention, they say, is the strongest force we have in this universe. so here is my intention. i intend to work hard and be the best at what i do. i intend to move to BC and find my place in the world. i intend to be happy even if i'm on my own the rest of my life. i intend to live a fulfilling life for you, my love. and i intend to love you till the day i die. and that, i don't think, is too much to ask for.
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Live a dream
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| Thursday, October 1st, 2009
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3:17 pm - i guess that's it for me, then
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life will always be this way. because no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do, your face will never leave my memory. i think about you at least once every day. i miss you more than that. i try to ignore it when other men are talking to me, i try to tell myself how stupid i am for still dwelling on it. but at the end of the day it never makes any difference. i still fall asleep thinking of your arms wrapped around me... and it's cold and lonely but i'm prepared to deal with it for the rest of my life.
i will never want anyone other than you.
i have to move there. i can't stay here anymore. the best thing i can hope for once i get there is to at least find your grave site... though i don't plan on holding my breath for that to happen. i just want my soul to find some kind of peace with this. i don't think this chapter in my life will ever end until i can see your grave, or hear from your mouth that you were a fraud, or that you just don't love me. even then, it won't end. my heart will always be connected to yours, for better or worse, forever.
life is such a long, tragic love story. i don't regret, though. never. this is what i wanted and now i will pay the price, but i will never regret. you make my heart whole, even in your absence.
and i will always love you.
i'll always love you...
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Live a dream
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| Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
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1:32 am - it's just my life, my love
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still coming back to check for you
love doesn't make much sense
i'll always be here for you
like i promised... i promised.
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Live a dream
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| Saturday, August 29th, 2009
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7:09 pm
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why do i let people bother me? i guess it's just dissapointing when our brief time together in this life has to be full of hate and tension. it sucks for both of us as i truly think it shortens your lifespan. at least i can always get fucked up and feel better about it... woo.
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Live a dream
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| Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
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2:13 am - Freak occurance: Internet at home
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For some odd reason I've been able to pick up an internet signal tonight... why I haven't been able to get one for the last two months I'm not sure. But I figured I'd update with all my new journal entries. Enjoy:
- Seven - May 14, 2009
Love is such a beautiful harmony. It’s hard to describe in words. Soft, gentle, quiet yet loud. It brings you to your knees, brings tears to your eyes and grips your heart. If you listen hard enough you can hear it everywhere. It’s in the rain, in the wind. It whispers in the bugs fluttering wings and bubbles up in creeks and rivers. Even the sun and moon sing that lovely song, brightly reminding you to remember what makes you apart of this big universe. Love is universal, and eternal. It sets us apart and brings us together. Does any of that make sense? How could we be the collective human soul without love to glue us together?
Of course love isn’t perfect. I would say that it is an unfortunate thing, but I suppose if it was perfect then we just wouldn’t appreciate it as much. Love can also spawn hate, but I again suppose that it is only out of necessity to balance the world. Maybe one day we’ll evolve beyond needing hate and there will only be love. That will be the day that all our biggest dreams will become our most amazing accomplishments. I hope maybe I’ll still be alive to see that day come. If not then I hope I influence it, even if only a tiny bit.
Sometimes it’s hard to hold onto love. It can be extremely painful and burdensome. Hate is so much easier. So is despair. But I guess nothing good ever comes easily, right? I don’t think I could let go of love even if I tried to force it out. Which I have tried, trust me. Drugs and alcohol are probably the best way to numb yourself from any emotion. It’s no wonder so many people in the world are addicted to the stuff. It truly makes life easy, but hardly worth it. And then what’s the point in even having life if you aren’t going to make something of it? Especially if all you do is burden your loved ones with your incapacity to handle the every day; what’s the point?
I guess I’m just impatient. I want life to make sense right now. I want love to fill my soul right now, and I don’t want to wait or work for it. Maybe that’s just human nature, I don’t know. My patience with life has yet to pay off for me, and perhaps I just need to be patient that much longer. Sometimes it scares me, though. What if I work and wait and hope for my whole life only to find that I had been wrong the entire time? I guess at that point it wouldn’t matter since I’d be dead. Death will be such a sweet release when it finally comes for me. It is not death that I fear but the long and treacherous pains of a petty life which haunt me. I’m already so tired and life is only just beginning. I wonder occasionally how I’ll manage to drag myself through another day, but time continues as it always does and before I know it I’m waking up the next morning and again asking the same thing. Will life ever be what I hoped for? Will patience and hard work really pay off in the end? Can love concur all? I guess, as with everything in life, only time will tell.
- Eight - June 11, 2009
I pulled out Saken’s pictures again last night. Every once in a while my eyes crave to see his face and I go back to the only three pictures he ever gave me. The very first one he sent is awful, to be honest. It’s dark and grainy, no color, and only from the shoulders up. Regardless, he is beautiful in it. I have spent countless hours memorizing every shadow and every line of that photo. That is Saken’s face in my mind. The second photo is of his entire body, but it is grainier and darker than the first. His face is almost unrecognizable. Still, he is beautiful. I can see a strong body under his dark clothes, strong hands thrust into his pockets and muscular arms casually at his side that I’ve only dreamed of being in a million times. And then there is the last photo he sent. This one… I have always had trouble accepting. It is so different from the first two. First, it’s in color while the other two are in black and white. His hair is chopped off and carefully spiked whereas in the other two photos it is long and unruly. His face… his face is so clear and beautiful. For the longest time I could not accept this photo as him. It looks like it was taken from a magazine of a fashion model or something. The person in the picture is beautiful, but truthfully I never really thought it was him. Still, I have spent hour after hour memorizing this picture and comparing it with the other two. Until recently I have been so consumed with doubt about Saken to see the truth. Was he who he really said he was? Did he really die? Why did we never get the chance to be together? What was he hiding from me? The doubt has eaten me up inside and turned the great gift I received in his presence into a nightmare.
Now let me back up a little. Life has been crazy recently. My parents broke up again and my mom is currently living with me. My dad I think might be having a psychotic break down and he is determined to take my brother and sister with him, so needless to say that family life has been insane lately. Work has been busy as well. I’m apprenticing under the trainers for the next several months and hopefully (when they think I know what I’m doing) I’ll be given my own group training classes to teach. I’m thoroughly excited about it all. I feel like I’m finally working towards at least a part of my goals. The training is a step in the right direction, and doing the classes will be great extra money. So, things are changing, but that’s what I wanted. And I don’t know if my intuition has just suddenly spiked several notches or what, but I feel a great sense of being on the right path. Everything is coming together just as it should, and everywhere I look I see signs only pointing towards more change and further progress on this path. My spirit feels as though it is right where it should be for everything… except one thing.
Saken.
So here I am, looking again at his beautiful pictures. Only now does the truth find me. The third picture, the one I always had some doubt about… I am positive it is him. Everything about it is him and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to see. His eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his chin, his ears, his hairline, his lips, his shoulders… it is all Saken and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I feel like I can finally see after being blind for so long, yet my heart is crushed. What have I done? I doubted Saken for too long… I left him because I just didn’t believe in us like I used to. I hurt him because I couldn’t trust him and why? Because of some silly picture I was too blind to see the truth about? Because of supposive “friends” constantly telling me that I was crazy and that meeting somebody that perfect over the internet was just impossible? What have I done…
So that is it. Saken, the doubt is gone and I will never let it taint my love for you ever again. I’m sorry it did for so long. I look at your face now and I see me… I see my eyes and my spirit looking back at me and my heart KNOWS that you are the better half of my soul. You always will be. I believe that we are eternal love incarnate. I believe it is rare and so hard to find on this Earth, but I know that’s what we have. That’s what we are. I do find it strange that eternal love would manifest itself in two young teenagers who met over the internet. But I don’t doubt that’s what we are anymore. Strange or not. Believable or not. Our love is eternal and so are we, and even if we don’t meet in this lifetime I am sure that we will be together in another. Our spirits are meant to be together, can’t you see? We are each other, and we are nothing apart. Yet this leads me to my final thought, my final torment.
I don’t believe our story is over yet. I don’t believe the day you “died” will be the end of it. I think somewhere you are still out there, and I think your soul aches for me as badly as mine aches for you. We just aren’t complete without each other. And lately, well lately the signs have pointed to you returning to me. Maybe it’s just delusional desire. Even if it is, my spirit is calling for yours in a strong and insisting way, a way you can’t ignore anymore. Don’t ignore it, Saken. Don’t doubt us. There IS a REASON for this all, I am SURE. We met and fell in love and even parted for a reason. But now is time to come together again. We have work to do in this lifetime, and I know I can’t do it alone. So just remember Saken, when you are ready, I will be here waiting for you. I can hardly wait to start our life together because I fully know how magnificent it will finally be, but I will wait. I’ll wait forever if I must. We’re worth it.
I love you. ∞
- Nine -
I’ll never deserve someone so beautiful and so perfect. And maybe that was it all along. I just don’t deserve you. I’m not a good person. I wasn’t there for you like I should have been, and I didn’t trust us like I could have. I do not deserve you… I never will. But I will always love you, and I would give my entire life just to spend five minutes in your arms… that’s still not good enough to deserve you though. I owe my entire life just for the time I did get to have with you, and that still wouldn’t be enough. You are something very special, Saken, and I truly was blessed to have loved you at all. Again, and always, I love you ∞
- Ten - June 14, 2009
Life. What a ride. The experience. A burden and a joy. Confusing yet clearly simple. Life.
Death. Such a welcome release. The end of the beginning, the beginning of the end. Inevitable. Death.
Love. Completes the equation, solves the problem. Worth it and never wasted. Forever. Love.
Maybe I need to meditate for a while. Something is calling my soul and it’s hard to ignore. I’d try to write about it but I tend to only muddle my real feelings when I don’t even understand what it is I’m experiencing. I hope it’s an evolution in consciousness. It seems like it’s about time for such a thing. I wonder what Saken has to do with all of it. Maybe he was just my key to understanding.
Some thoughtful song lyrics. Sometimes these describe my thoughts better than I can:
“I’ve made up my mind; don’t need to think it over. If I’m wrong I am right. No need to look no further, this is not lust, no, this is love. But, if I tell the world I’ll never say enough because it’s not said to you and that’s exactly what I need to do… if I end up with you… Should I give up or should I just keep chasing, baby? Even if it leads no where? Or would it be a waste, even if I knew my place, should I leave it then?” – Chasing Pavements, Adele
“I don’t know what I’ve done, or if I like what I’ve begun. Well something told me to run… There were sounds in my head… a little voice is whispering - I should go and this should end, and I found myself listening. Because I don’t know who I am without you, all I know is that I should. And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon me, all I know is that I should. Because she will love you more than I could… see who dares to stand where I stood. See I thought love was black and white, it was wrong or it was right. But you ain’t leavin without a fight and I think I am just as torn inside. You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all. You taught me how to trust myself, and so I say to you, this is what I have to do.” – Where I Stood, Missy Higgins
“Babe, I‘m wrong. I should have done better than this. Please, oh be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist, so show me what I’m looking for… Save me, I’m lost. Oh Lord I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost, save me from being confused. Don’t let go, I’ve wanted this far too long. Mistakes become regrets; I’ve learned to love abuse. Please show me what I’m looking for… Wait, I’m wrong. I can do better than this. Please show me what I’m looking for.” – Show Me What I’m Looking For, Carolina Liar
“If you’re lost and feeling low, circumnavigate the globe. It’s all you ever have to hope or do. And the waves seem to flow, and you seem to loose control. Every one of us is hurt; every one of us is scarred. Every one of us is scared, but not you… And when your eyes close, your head hangs low, your eyes close… It’s all for you, for you.” – For You, Coldplay
“You’ll follow me back with the sun in your eyes and on your own. You’ll knock on my door and up we’ll go in white light… I don’t think so… but what do I know? I know you think I’m holding you down and have fallen by the wayside now. And I don’t understand the same things as you, don’t laugh at me, don’t look away… You’ll knock on my door and up we’ll go in white light… I don’t think so, but what do I know? What do I know…” – Bedshaped, Keane
“C’mon, oh my star is fading. And I swerve out of control… If I… oh if I’d only waited I’d not be stuck here in this hole. And I swear, I waited and waited, I’ve got to get out of this hole. But time is on your side now; it’s no cause for concern. Come on, oh my star is fading and I see no chance of release. And I know, I’m dead on the surface, but I am screaming underneath. Stuck on the edge at this point of change, and I’m on my way back down again. Stood on the edge, tied to a noose, sick to the stomach… You can say what you mean, but it won’t change a thing, I’m sick of the secrets. Stood on the edge, tied to a noose, but you came along and you cut me loose… You came along and you cut me loose.” – Amsterdam, Coldplay
“I don’t know your thoughts these days. We’re strangers in an empty space. I don’t understand your heart; it’s easier to be apart… We might as well be strangers in another town, we might as well be living in another world… we might as well… we might as well… we might as well be strangers for all I know of you now…” – Strangers, Keane
“Well I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now… The word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out. And all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how. Because maybe… you’re going to be the one that saves me… and after all, you’re my wonder wall. Today was going to be the day but they’ll never throw it back to you. I said maybe you’re going to be the one that saves me. And after all, you’re my wonder wall…” – Wonderwall, Oasis
“So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell? Blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a child? Do you think you can tell? Did they get you to trade your heroes for goals? How I wish you were here. We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Runnin’ over the same old ground and have we found the same old fears? Wish you were here…” – Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd
- Eleven - June 15, 2009
Addiction.
How many ways can I scrutinize this? I can view it in a spiritual way. I can try to understand it in a scientific way. I look at it logically, the way any normal person might view it. Or I can just embrace it, no matter what the real truth is. I know my own truths, that’s all I can really describe, and that’s what I do. Maybe this is all pathetic. Maybe it’s sad and somewhat ignorant. Or maybe it’s inspiring and touching. I guess we’ll all view it differently just as we all view the world differently. Does that mean I need to quit trying to justify it? Who am I justifying myself to anyway? Why do I always feel like I should be ashamed for the way I felt about him? Because I never knew him? Who cares? I didn’t.
He honestly is an addiction. The love is addicting. How could it not be? What does every human soul strive for in their experience of life? True, fulfilling and unquestioning love, that’s all. Maybe you wish you had it from your parents, or maybe you need it from yourself. Or maybe you’re just a hopeless romantic like myself. Is it a bad addiction? I don’t know. I know it makes the days worth it. It gives me something to strive for, no matter how crazy and unrealistic. It’s also made it impossible for me to accept other men. They just aren’t him and they can’t give me what he did. Is that bad? I don’t know. I know I don’t mind being alone. Infact, I sort of prefer it. And maybe that’s bad itself. We’re supposed to be social creatures, not anti-social love-sick lunatics. But it’s not like I feel bad about myself or even want to change the addiction. If anything, I’d want to be more addicted. Bring him back to me and you’ll see a devoted love like nothing else. And is that such a bad thing? At least it’s better than hate. I could be a lot more fucked up than I am. I could be addicted to real drugs or to sex or video games or shit like that. Not me though, I’m a little masochistic in my addictions. I crave a lost love that will probably never return. And how do I feel about that? Still thankful, only thankful.
I can almost hear my brain screaming at me to stop trying to deduce it all. I may never understand what really happened between us. I may die and never know what happened to him or if he actually loved me. Do you find me pathetic for loving him still? After all these years and all this doubt. After never seeing his face or hearing his voice, am I pathetic to still be shedding tears for him? I like to think I just have a lot of integrity. I told him he is my soul mate. I promised to love him for the rest of my life, and I very well meant that. I guess I could have let the love subside a little bit. I guess I could try to find another soul mate if there even is such a thing as two in one lifetime. But why waste my time? I know who I wanted and I still know who I want so why bother searching in other places? And that love, it keeps me going through the days. It helps me strive to reach my goals and I don’t think that’s a very terrible thing.
If he could see me now, I hope he’d be proud. I hope he wouldn’t find me pitiable for still loving him like I do. It’s only because of him that I’m in such a good spot in my life right now, and I hope he sees that and feels loved. Because I do love him, still and always. Heh, I never knew of an addiction that you could be away from for nearly five years yet still feel totally dependent on. I guess it was just a strong love. A strong desire.
Sometimes I think about who you were. What did your face look like when you talked? How did your lips move when you smiled? Were your eyes thoughtful and deep, or light and relaxed? Occasionally I look at the last picture you sent me and I wonder if you were thinking of me when you took it. Is that me in your eyes staring back? The thought makes my heart ache. There’s so much about you that I never got to know. Were you quiet and respectful or loud and boisterous? Did you use funny hand movements when you told stories, or did you even waste your breath? I wonder what you smelled like. I wonder if it would have turned me on or drove me away, haha. What did your hands feel like? Were they rough or smooth, thick or small? You never said much about yourself and I wonder if there was anything you didn’t like. I don’t see how there could have been, you are beautiful. But maybe you thought you had big ears or extra fuzzy eyebrows, I don’t know. And that’s the thing that gets me… I don’t know… It just doesn’t seem right that such a strong and pure love couldn’t bring us together. But I guess a lot of love stories end in tragedy. Why should ours be good enough to have a happy ending? What did I do to deserve it? Nothing. Nothing yet, but I’m working on it.
For all those things that I didn’t know about you, there were the things that I knew very well. I knew you were quiet and thoughtful, sarcastic and funny when you wanted to be. I knew you loved me and tried to be a stand up guy as best as you could. I knew you were dedicated to your friends and family and very loving, even if you didn’t always outwardly show it. I know you’re a hard worker and ambitious, and strong. You were so strong through everything you went through, and I still respect you for that. I’d give both my arms and legs to have you back just the way I had you before. Just being able to come home everyday and sit down and find you waiting for me again would make my life perfect. I know towards the end of it all we were kind of running out of things to talk about, but I wouldn’t let that happen again. We could talk about whatever popped into your head, or we could sit forever in silence. Just having your company would be enough for me.
I’ll tell you, the older I get the more and more I feel like we should be together. Five years ago I NEVER would have thought I’d be typing into the oblivion and that you’d be “dead.” I never saw a future without you when I had you. I just couldn’t imagine myself being able to live at all without your soul connected to mine. But here I am. And I definitely feel like I’m missing my better half, and I know that’s because I’m missing you. Will I ever just get over this nagging feeling and move on? Can I? I know I probably should. I know that in reality, I should have moved on years ago. I really tried to for a while. I dated other men. I tried to just be human and go to work and live my life and let go of what I thought was so special. Because obviously it wasn’t that special if I had already managed to loose it. But it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t get you out of my head or my heart. Like I said, no man ever matched the standards that you set. As if I could even really see them. I always thought of you… I’d be in their arms and I’d wonder how much warmer your arms would have been. I’d kiss them and think of how much softer your lips could have been. You definitely made it hard for any man to follow in your footsteps, and I never even got to meet you! Oh, how great this is. How pathetic, and how beautiful. Ugh.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say enough about us, about you. I guess there’s only one real cure for that, and that’s for us to be together again. I know I’ll never stop hoping to see you one day. And to let you in on a little secret, as soon as I can escape this day to day bullshit and get out of here in my little RV, I’m coming your way. Or at least I’m going to where I remember you talking about. Dawson’s Creek, BC. I may not find you there, but if anything I’m hoping I’ll be able to connect with your soul again. Just being in a place that I knew you were in would maybe bring a little peace to my heart. I swear nothing will stop me from holding on to my end of the promise. Well except death, but even in death you’ll still be my greatest love. And maybe death is what I should be hoping for if you truly are dead. I’m sure we’ll be together again someday, be it in life or death. And that is what keeps me going, love. It’s what keeps me writing these journals and keeps me happy even when there isn’t much to be happy about. I guess you could say that my life is yours, and I couldn’t think of anyone better to give it to.
I love you ∞
- Twelve - June 16, 2009
Lyrics on shuffle. Now tell me the Universe isn’t speaking to us.
“Those who are dead are not dead, they’re just livin in my head. And since I fell for that spell I am livin it as well. Time is so short and I am sure, there must be something more…”
“Ticking away, the moments that make up the dull day. Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. And then one day you find that ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.”
“Breathe, breathe in the air. Don’t be afraid to care. Please, don’t leave me. Look around, choose your own ground. All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be.”
“I ran away from you, it’s all I ever do. And though I started here, I ran away from you. And when I heard you close I came back to you and though I should stay I don’t have the stomach to. And everyone I love says it’s a stupid thing to do. But I did not know what to do, so I ran away from you.”
“Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dreams. I am traveler of both time and space, see where I have been. Sit with elders of a gentle race, a world seldom seen. We’ll talk of days for which they see no way, all will be revealed.”
“So come over, just be patient, and don’t worry.”
“And, in the end, we’ll lie awake and we’ll dream of making our escape… We’ll lie awake and dream of making our escape…”
- Thirteen - June 17, 2009
Is it just in our nature to try and stop each other from being happy? I guess maybe others try to stop you from having regrets in your life. The only regrets I’ve had so far in my life were the things I didn’t do because so many people talked me out of them. So maybe I should do the things I want to do because I know they’re right for me, and not because of what other people think is right. Fuck being safe and cautious, how would the great humans of our time have accomplished anything if they had been safe and cautious? Or if they had let the nay-sayers stop them in their journey. I’ve been holding back far too long as far as I’m concerned. I have an opportunity now to make things different, and I don’t want to let it pass by me, just like all the other missed opportunities. I’m sure it won’t be easy and it certainly won’t always be fun. But my soul says that it will all be worth it in the end. I guess the question in the end is should I listen? What if I do regret it? Again, especially at this point in my life, I feel like the only regret I’ll have is not doing anything. Truly, the prospect of finally really living my dream makes me excited. It all seems perfect to me right now, though I’m sure there’s a lot of it that won’t be perfect. But I definitely can’t let that stop me.
Now lets just hope I have the strength and the resources to pull this off.
I hope I find him in the end. It’s not the reason I’m doing this, but it is the inspiration. And for that he is infinitely important in this all. What if I don’t find him? Then I hope I can find more of myself in the people I meet along the way. I want to be soul-full, that’s the ultimate goal. See, meet, experience and dream. What else is life supposed to be about? It is unfortunate that money has to be such a big part but you know you can work around that. I also find it unfortunate at how many people will look down their noses at me because my goal has nothing to do with money. My friends, my family, they’ll probably never really understand. I can only hope that they see the happiness this will bring me and realize that I did what was right for my life. After all, I and my goals are only the byproduct of the experiences that I’ve had with them; they should be proud at what they created.
- Fourteen - June 19, 2009
The things we do for the people we love. They don’t always make sense, do they? I don’t understand what else life is supposed to be about, though. I guess it is what you make of it, and all I want to make is happiness. It doesn’t seem fair that that should be so hard to do. But I guess nothing in life is ever fair, is it?
- Fifteen - July 22, 2009
Time keeps ticking away.
Life keeps changing, evolving.
Love comes, love goes. Does it ever come again?
Sleep into another world, sleep
- Sixteen - August 12, 2009
Life is busy. Working seven days a week keeps me from being bored, it also helps keep the loneliness at bay. But it still creeps up on me from time to time; it pulls at my heart when no one is around to talk with. No one who cares about how my day went or what my plans are. It’s a catch-22. While I do feel lonely occasionally, I can’t think of anyone I’d want to spend every single day with. And it’s not like I don’t have friends I could call when I feel like jabbering, but I never do. I guess I just figure that while they may listen and pretend to care, they really don’t. So why bother?
I don’t know what I want anymore. I know that this ache is driving me crazy. I need something new, something exciting and fresh. I have been training for a new job which has been enjoyable… but it’s still work. I also moved into a new apartment which has been good and bad, mostly good now that the heavy lifting is over with. But again, it’s just work. I don’t feel like I have much fun in my life, I guess that’s my problem. I find it hard to find time to do fun things, though. Like I said, working seven days a week keeps me busy. And then there’s the question of who to do fun things with? I can think of several people right off the bat that I could hang with, but I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just too picky, I guess I just need to go with the flow. I’d like to meet some new people, go do some new things. But it’s not like I can force that to happen. Ugh. I can’t go to bars and meet people, I already know exactly the kind of person I would meet there. It’s not like I can walk up to random people on the street and ask if they’d want to hang out sometime. Well I mean, I guess I could do that but I have a feeling most people would just think I was crazy if I did that. And I already have a hard enough time with people thinking I’m nuts, I’m not exactly looking to make it worse. Coming across spare money to do things with isn’t easy either. Maybe I should just go lounge around the pool at my apartment, or go work out in the fitness area. Maybe if I’m really lucky I’ll find a new good friend to hang out with. I guess I won’t know until I try.
You know, while I have been enjoying being busy, it really makes my head spin when I think of all the things I have to do.
… Alright, I can’t let this stress eat me up. This is why I need to find things to do with my spare time. Fun things to do that aren’t work, I work enough in a week as it is. If I sit here like this with nothing to do though my head really does start to spin. How will I pay my bills? What should I do tomorrow? How can I manage the week? I need a structured weekly planer that might make life easier. But at the same time structure can be boring. Being spontaneous is how you add excitement to your life.
No more of this. Time to sleep.
- Seventeen - August 16, 2009
My thoughts are so scrambled right now. Life… I really have no clue where it’s taking me. I’m trying to just go with the flow and enjoy what I can, but it’s a little scary truthfully.
I’ve been thinking about Saken, as usual. Maybe it’s time to move on and see what else is out there. I really haven’t been with a whole lot of men. Maybe four or five serious and about the same amount that weren’t serious. I have met a lot of men that I’ve instantly known I just couldn’t date them. I’ll give almost anyone a chance but if there’s no chemistry then what can I do? And that’s the whole problem in the end. I can’t seem to find good chemistry with anyone no matter how hard I try. And it’s not like it can be forced. You either dig the person or you don’t. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I mean, what good looking young 20 year old woman can’t seem to find herself attracted to anyone ever? The last time I felt an attraction towards any man at all was when I was in college. And that’s been several years ago. I tried really hard to find some chemistry with Dj but it just wasn’t there. I don’t know… I don’t know what life wants with me or where exactly I’m supposed to be headed. I know what’s being put in front of me and I’m trying to make the best decisions possible with these things.
I’m still young. I can’t keep convincing myself that Saken was it for me. Of course I still love him with my whole soul and heart but the truth is he is gone. And I am here. And I have love to share with a certain someone. I don’t know who that someone is yet, but this great thing I have can’t go wasted. I guess I just can’t let go of hope. It may take a long time, especially since I’m extremely picky. I know what I want. I’ll never have Saken or anyone like Saken again I know. But he taught me some quality traits that a man should have, and also some a man shouldn’t have. Now no one is perfect, I’m certainly not. But I always used to tell Saken that he was perfect for me. He wasn’t a perfect person, but he made me whole and was right there when I needed him. He used to tell me the same thing. I just want to find that person who is perfect for me, and whom I just so happen to be perfect for as well.
We humans are what we are. Humans. We are social creatures who crave the acceptance of true love from family and friends and self. There’s really no use in fighting it. What would be the point of the Universe if there was no love? Of course you must understand, love is just a word that implies what I like to call a state of mind. It’s the moment where all of your chi flows perfectly with your counterpart and you feel bigger than yourself. You feel apart of something, like stitching in a quilt. It bonds us and makes us strong.
I would love to be in love again. It was amazing. But it may take a while for it to happen… I’ll just go with the flow.
- Eighteen - August 17, 2009
Maybe the best way to conclude everything would be to just say that every thought you will ever have as a human being is wrong. It may seem right at the time, maybe even perfect. But in the end, all of our thoughts are just wrong. Because we are just humans, we can’t help it, so don’t feel bad. Even this thought as I am typing it is wrong and I will look back on it and shake my head at the lack of intelligence that I held at this moment. I guess there’s no escaping it. As long as you’re experiencing and learning you will also be changing. With that your thoughts change and as they do you come to realize how wrong you used to be about everything. You come up with a whole new spin on life that seems so right, once again. And it’s just a big long cycle of thinking that you’re correct and realizing how wrong you are.
I’m not saying I regret my thoughts or actions. If I never would have gotten to those points then I would never be here, so the journey is priceless. But I must quit taking myself so seriously. The most passionate people tend to be the most easy to hurt. Unfortunately most of the things we become passionate about are wrong and therefore lead to hurt. Now maybe not all thoughts are wrong. Maybe here or there, very rarely, we have a correct thought. But as I see it, in the grand scheme of things, nothing is permanent. Therefore no answer is permanently correct and eventually succumbs to its terrible wrongness.
So… if there are no correct thoughts, then what the hell is this shit? Some joke? An endless joke about being unbelievably dense and wrong? I don’t know. It’s a big fat question mark is all it is. Live in doubt and always know you are wrong, I guess that’s the only way to go about it.
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Live a dream
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| Sunday, August 9th, 2009
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10:51 am
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I had a bad dream last night.
I dreamt a friend of mine (maybe TCGiant since he's the only one who reads this crap) found you. I guess he got sick of my whining and found you online, alive, and you had totally forgotten about me. You were happy with someone else living a life somewhere far away and I wasn't even in your thoughts. It broke my heart and I just couldn't accept it. No, it couldn't be my Saken, he loved me...
I guess it doesn't matter how hard I try to put the doubt out of my mind it will always linger. Did you really love me? Did you really die? I hope I don't have to have anymore bad dreams like that. It's hard to let them go when I can't have you make them right. Just bring me some good dreams tonight, it's all I have anymore.
I love you and I miss you. You'll always be apart of my heart whether you remember me or not. And I'll always love you.
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7 dreams - Live a dream
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| Saturday, August 8th, 2009
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2:17 pm
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| Saturday, July 18th, 2009
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3:47 pm - Moving on
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So I've been moving into a new apartment over the last week. Thrilling, let me tell you. Something about packing all my stuff into boxes makes me terribly depressed. Hopefully unpacking will make me wonderfully happy, but we'll see. Life has been kinda crazy recently. I'm getting a promotion at work, finally doing training like I've been dying to do for the last seven months. Things have been crazy with the family, too. I really think my dad has lost it and is going psychotic... my mom left him a couple of months ago and he never misses an opportunity to tell my little brother and sister how much of a "bitch whore cunt" my mom is. He's also told them that I've ruined him financially and that if my brother and sister ever act like me (which just means if they ever move out and live their own lifes) then he'll disown them. I guess he doesn't realize that they run straight to me and tell me these things because he's still sending me text messages acting all sweet and loving. He's so two faced, and crazy. At least my mom has been alot happier since she moved out. She found a good guy who I think is taking good care of her so I'm happy on her end. But I worry about my brother and sister being stuck in the care of my crazy father. My new place has a spare room though and it sounds like it'll be taken by my siblings pretty often. Just gotta do what you gotta do I guess.
Besides life being crazy busy, it's also been very lonely. Sometimes I think to myself that settling for something less than what I need wouldn't be so bad, but then I remember how miserable it makes me trying to fake happiness with someone who doesn't really fulfill me. I would love to be with someone and not feel bad about it, or feel like I'm faking enjoying their company. But I always said I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't really care about. I'm still thankful that I had someone who I love for a time. It was definitely better than nothing, and I'd certainly do it all over again if I could. The more I think back on him the more my heart tells me that he's probably dead. It'll be hard for me to ever fully accept that until I can see his grave, but I'll tell you, I know he loved me very much and I don't think that if he was still alive that he would have stayed away for so long. He wrote one time that I didn't give him enough credit for how much he loved me, and I guess I don't. It's easier for me to believe that he just decided he hated me one day and moved on than it is to know that he loved me with his whole soul and I let him down, and he died. It's so hard to think of all the suffering he had to go through and know that even though I tried to be a good part of his life I was never really there for him. And worse yet, I left him when he needed me the most. I'll never forgive myself for that.
So maybe in the end it's all karma. I had something great and I didn't work hard enough to keep it. I took it for granted and now I'm alone, and I may be alone for a long time. There's nothing for it, so life goes on.
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Live a dream
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| Sunday, June 14th, 2009
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3:31 pm - You made a promise
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You made a promise to me, and you are a man of your word. I expect that promise to be kept.
I'll be waiting.
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4 dreams - Live a dream
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| Saturday, June 13th, 2009
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4:18 pm - Never letting hope die
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One of two things will happen to me. You will either come back one day and I will thank every inch of my being for the patience and hope that I held out for us. Or. Or you won't come back and at the end of my life my last thought will be you, and my last hope will be to come across your soul again in another life. Of course, I'm paticularly hoping for the first thing to happen, but I have to be realistic. Or do I? What's so great about the real world anyway? Besides that, who defines what is realistic and what isn't? I know that the love I have for you is real. I know that the hope my heart won't let go of is real. I know you were real, real enough to spend hours a day with me for five years.
I also know that people think I'm crazy that I'm still holding out hope for you to come back. Hell, I know that I am crazy, but I guess that's what makes me me. I know that I will never be able to love anyone like I love you... I know that all too well. Yet I know I'm young and I have alot of life to live still, so will I change my mind one day? For nearly ten years you have been the only thing I've ever really wanted out of life. I'll surely have to find other things to live for, but will I ever love anyone like I loved you? I look around at all the people I know today. Young and old, I very rarely find people who are truly in love with their significant others. My parents who have even been together for 22 years just recently got a divorce. My grandparents who have been together for over 50 years still bitch and gripe about each other and would probably seperate if they weren't so dependent upon each other. Personally, I think I was extremely lucky to find real love in my life. And I don't think that's something you get lucky enough to find twice. Most people don't even find it once. So how can you tell me to let go and move on when I had something that most of the world never gets to have? How am I supposed to settle for the second best when I know how amazing it feels to have the absolute perfect love? And yes, I do consider the love we had perfect. The relationship wasn't, but that's two different things.
Anyway, why am I rambling about this again? Maybe I'm hoping that if I talk about it long enough and often enough that I'll get it all out of my system and finally move on. Though I know that's not why I really think about you still. I think about you because you were the most profound thing to ever happen to me, and I don't want to let you go. I shouldn't have to let you go. Even if I spend the rest of my life just holding onto your memory I would be far happier than if I forgot entirely about you.
Ugh. Something about you. Something about this moment just has the thought of your beautiful face reeling in my head. I can't shake it. But then again, I don't want to shake it. I don't want to. I think my soul will love yours for the rest of infinity. I know the love I have for you is infinitely deep and that's why I can't seem to just get rid of it. Not that I'd want to loose it even if I could. You truly were the most beautiful part of my life, just remember that.
Te amo ∞
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Live a dream
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| Sunday, May 10th, 2009
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12:32 am - six
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- Six - May 9, 2009
What’s the point? Would there really be a difference if I died today instead of tomorrow? This year or fifty years from now? I guess logically there is a point. If Saken had died ten years ago instead of four then I would have never known him and I wouldn’t be who I am today. But if he was still here I would be happy instead of this ridiculous mess that I am now. Things would be different if I died today instead of in ten years, that’s sure. But who’s to say it would be different in a good or bad way? Sake living long enough to be with me was marvelous, but not long enough for us to truly be together was devastating. So maybe this is my time. Maybe tonight is my final melody. Maybe some people will be devastated, maybe others will find marvelous changes in their lives. I guess in the end it’s not really my choice. Even ending your own life started with a decision that set off a chain reaction that began the melody of the end far before the end really happened. It had to be because nothing else could have been, just remember that. Things happened as they had to, because there was no other path.
This stale mate is driving me crazy. I want to leave so badly. Sometimes I think about loading my dog up and just driving. Taking myself as far as my car will take me, meeting whoever fate brings me across along the way. Why not? There’s really nothing holding me here, except my family. But it’s not like I’m a huge part of their lives anymore. I come and go occasionally, but I no longer feel connected to them. Their faint tones echo in my song, but we are far from the same anymore.
What is out there, I wonder? Who is out there? How many other people vibrate on my frequency, how many people vibrate on a totally opposite frequency? What can they teach me? What can I teach them? What haven’t my eyes seen before? Is there beauty in the world so breath-taking that it changes your life forever? I’m sure there is. I’m sure. What the hell would be the point if there was no diversity; nothing to learn? Life truly would be boring, then. It is boring now only because I make it so. I’m still trying to live the life my parents wanted, and it’s still making me miserable. God, I want to leave.
I saw a shooting star tonight. I see one maybe once every six months or so. I wished for life to be complete. Not that a flaming meteorite will grant these silly wishes, but it surely reminded me. Get off your ass, make something happen, be that person you are inside, and don’t be ashamed for it. I’m done making excuses. I am who I am. I love who I love. I want what I want. And that makes me me. You have your own causes, your own reasons. Cherish them and realize that they make you individual. Never relinquish them for a “normal” life that the boring ones claim you should have. There is so much to take in.
I miss Saken again tonight. Sometimes it bothers me how much he dominates my life. But then it reminds me of why… and I realize why I miss him so much. At this point, I really don’t care who he is. Maybe he was some fat fifty year old pervert with acne that jacked off every day. It completely doesn’t matter. Let me repeat myself: It COMPLETELY doesn’t matter. He was so beautiful to me. I have never met anyone like him before or since. It truly makes me sad to think that there are so few souls out there like his, but he was truly one of a kind… and I miss him. Maybe I should just let him go and move on. Live in the “real” world. Maybe that would be “healthy” and “normal.” Heh. I don’t care what is healthy or real or normal. All I care about is the moment, the love. Love… it is so magnificent and exquisite, so worth it. It gives you reason, real reason. I could never betray Saken and turn my back on him… his love was such a rare thing. I knew that when I was with him, but forgot it for a time. Now that he is gone I am certain. He was totally worth it. Now, again, and forever. I love you ∞
… Jesus, how easy it would be for me to slip into becoming a drug addict… Sometimes being fucked up is the only way to let me soul through. My “real” façade is so muddled by the common life. I hate it. It sucks the soul out of everyone I know, including me. Oh God, Buddha, Mother Nature… whoever you are, bring me clarity. Bring me purpose. I guess I don’t need to beg, or even ask. Things will happen exactly as they’re supposed to happen regardless of my planning or denying. Ah, life. Always one step ahead. I’ll never beat it, so I guess the best I can do is to just go along with things. Take it in stride, you know. Be patient and calm.
I’m sorry I’m not there yet, but I’m coming. I’ll be there, and we’ll be like we should, and everything will make sense and come together exactly as it is meant to. Please don’t worry. Relax, and be happy. I’ll be there soon. Do you hear me? I am coming, and I’ll be there soon.
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1 dream - Live a dream
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| Monday, May 4th, 2009
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9:16 pm - Fuzzy reality
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- Five - May 4, 2009
Mmm, beer. How terrible that I’ve found so much release in being so fucked up. But I guess that makes me human, I guess we all have our faults. Forgive me if this entry doesn’t make any damn sense, I’m obviously a little out of it. I just don’t want to be numb anymore. I want to live my dreams, and that’s harder said than done.
Mmm, beer.
What was all my pointless whining about? Saken is gone, he didn’t keep his promises, and that should have been enough to send me screaming in the opposite direction. But here I sit, four years later, complaining about nothing. I need to let go so I can feel love again in my life, but that is another “easier said than done” sort of thing. I have to let myself try and be happy again. I know that it’s hard to be happy when I feel like every smile is a betrayal. Every sting of happiness is a sting of duplicity, and it drives me crazy. What would I say to myself if I was someone looking in on the situation? Be happy, keep living, never ever forget your soul. Yet here I am, drinking my soul away. Mmm, beer.
You know, Saken left me. He left me whether it was through death or choice, he isn’t here and I might as well get used to that fact. I can’t deny what we had… it was perfect in my mind. But I don’t have that anymore. And maybe it’s time I let myself be happy with what I DO have. Of course it will never be the same as what I felt with him. That’s an impossibility. But I can still make it work for me. I can still find some joy in it here and there, and that doesn’t make me a heartless person does it? Ugh
Mmm, beer.
Mmm, pizza.
I’m out. Too fucked up to type properly anyway. Will update later. Peace.
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1 dream - Live a dream
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8:31 pm - Finally got a bit of a signal
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- Two - April 24, 2009
Today was a beautiful day. Smoldering hot. I could feel the weight of the thick humid air settling in my lungs when I walked outside and I loved it. Something about working in the heat, feeling my skin breathe and perspire just makes me feel so alive. I went tanning again today, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I know it’s terrible for my skin so I try to keep it to a minimum and use as much lotion as possible, but the tingle of the lamps lightly burning my bare flesh feels so amazing. Even being slightly sore afterwards feels good to me for some reason. I can actually see color in my normally translucent skin and I think it’s gorgeous. I’ve always wondered why I wasn’t lucky enough to inherit ALL of the good Native American genes in my blood. High cheek bones? Got it. Tall forehead? Got it. Long straight thick hair? Got it. Delicious olive tinted skin? Not for me! Oh well, at least I can hold a tan well.
Today was also long. Work feels so repetitive and pointless to me. If it weren’t for the need to pay bills and save for my goals I would never work. Or at least work in a traditional sense. Doing the same mundane thing day after day turns me into this numb zombie that I can’t stand. It also makes me dread work, which isn’t any good. I have to go regardless of how I feel about it, but sometimes sucking it up and drudging through the day is tough. At least I had a quiet and thoughtful evening. Poor Dea is sick with a tummy ache and that’s been pretty much the only obstacle for the night. I hope she feels better.
I’m still trapped in this melancholy mood. Something about my birthday always kind of makes me sad. I guess because I never wanted to get old, and even though twenty-two isn’t all THAT old, it’s still older than I could ever see myself being. The real hurdle will by my forties. And fifties. Hopefully by my sixties I’ll have gotten over all this anti-aging nonsense and I’ll be able to take it with dignity and grace. After all, I’ve always longed for the wisdom that comes with age and experience; I just never wanted to get old and wrinkly. Hah. Maybe if I’m lucky, though, I’ll die at thirty-nine. I figure that’s a fair age.
Days like this are easy. Quiet. They pass without much notice and are forgotten almost as soon as you wake up the next morning. Easy. Part of me finds it a little sad that not every day can be an intense day of intrigue and thought. Seems like a waste of time to have days like today, where nothing really happens besides the fact that you made it in one piece through another twenty-four hours. I’m sure tomorrow will be similar. Same with Sunday. It all the sudden becomes insanely easy to slip back into that “usual” cycle of life. It’s a sort of natural progression that takes place if you don’t consciously stop it and change directions. I’m glad I have stopped though. Whenever I can, I try to remind myself of my purpose. I think what keeps me going is the longing I have to be happy again. Happiness is all I’ve ever wanted out of life. I don’t care about money, big houses or fancy cars. I don’t care about popularity or fame. I just want to feel thankful again for every day that I have on this planet, but when I cycle though work doing the same inane things over and over again I realize that I almost never feel thankful anymore. When I had Sake, I had a reason. I was happy and thankful because I had him; I had us and a very fulfilling love. Now I just have the forceful repetitiveness of life bearing down on my shoulders. Wake, work, eat, sleep and repeat. I don’t know what my fetish is with trivializing my life like this constantly, but it makes me remember. It stares me in the face and says ‘this is how it really is in the grand scheme of things.’ It just isn’t good enough for me, though. Nothing average, casual or easy ever has been.
So I guess I should try to end this entry with a point. A moral. Hmm. The point is that life is far too easy and boring right now, and I must amend that quickly.
- Three - April 26, 2009
What a long day. Getting only five hours of sleep in a night is hard enough; having to wake up to diarrhea three times in that little five hours is almost unbearable. For one moment I saw a flash of red and thought of killing every living, pooping thing within a ten mile radius, but a quick breath outside calmed me. Work was also teetering on the edge of unbearable. Something about quiet Sunday afternoons just seems to bring the crazies out. Thankfully there were enough sane people to balance out the totally psychotic ones.
I’m really so exhausted that I could pass out writing this. But I didn’t want to skip another day. I’ve noticed that I’ve felt more like myself in this last week than I have in the last four years. Maybe it can’t all be accredited to these stupid journals, but I don’t want to jinx a good thing, so here I am… talking about nothing…
There was a lot of good insight I could write about that occurred today, but I don’t think my mind is coherent enough to express myself properly. I guess the big thing was that I realized even though I’m dead tired and I didn’t rest a minute today, or over the last several days, I thoroughly enjoy being busy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like it’s a burden, but that’s when I start spending whole days lazing around in the bed, depressing the shit out of myself because I simply don’t have anything else to pre-occupy my mind with. Well, except for the idiot-box, which I try to avoid most of the time now – for obvious reasons.
My eyes are so tired and I can’t keep a thought in my head. Can’t even remember what was so important that I needed to write about.
Savor it. That was the thought. When I had one of those frozen-in-time moments where everything around you feels like an illusion and you can see yourself there, completing your inane little tasks. I realized that days, when they’re all lumped together as the sum of your age, seem short and unimportant. The truth is that all we really have is the day, though. It may come and go without much memory, but we should always try to stop and savor it. It is the sweet melody of your life, after all. Humming a lovely tune all day until you sleep and start a new song tomorrow. I wonder what sort of melody I’ll have when I wake up.
- Four - April 28, 2009
I feel like I made a lot of my day off today. I was afraid I’d waste it in the attempt to sit around and be lazy, which for some reason appeals to me more than it should. But I finished my book, took a shower, went to my parents and played pool with my sister. That’s maybe one little legacy that Saken left with me, the love to play billiards. It just reminds me of him, and it’s a great feeling. I feel like I am where I should be, if that makes any sense. Like if we were together then we’d probably spend a lot of time shooting pool, so it feels natural to be there. It is a wonderful escape that I don’t do nearly as often as I should.
Finishing my book today made me a little sad. I really think it is the love for reading and writing that has brought me back to this stable point in my life. It feels so oddly connected to my soul, I can’t explain it very well, but it brings me peace. I guess maybe I realized that the best I could do for myself at this point is to bring harmony in my life and share my peaceful nature with others. It seems a little odd, but also perfectly reasonable that most of the things which bring me tranquility are connected to Sake in a way. We only knew each other via writing and reading. And pool was one of his favorite hobbies, drawing being the other. I also feel very serene when I sketch, and perhaps that’s another thing I should try to enjoy doing in my life more often.
I’ve also been spending more time with my family, which has been enjoying yet very burdensome. They’re all so broken right now that it makes it very painful to be around them. Especially since my spirit only works that much harder to bring balance to their lives. I thought to myself yesterday that we are only the product of the lives we come in contact with, for the most part. Their experiences become ours. So then wouldn’t it be fair to say that we become the creation of what everyone needs in their lives? I guess the load is a little heavy to accept that you are responsible for bringing calmness into those around you, but it is also very rewarding. I try to keep reminding myself this as I jump back into my prior commitments I held as a young child. There was a very good reason why I stopped being so dependable many years ago. Sometimes it is more than one can stand, especially at the age I was and especially with what was occurring in my life. I sort of re-coiled into myself and wondered who would bring me serenity when I so needed it? Of course Sake brought this with amazing clarity and joy. He also brought great pain, though that part wasn’t his fault. And I would certainly do it all again in a heartbeat for even twice as much pain just to have him in my life, so the pain at this point is irrelevant. But when he died… well, we know that story. It’s taken me many years to find myself again, and merging the old me with the new me has been a little hard. The Kamille of recent years was very secretive, very solitary. I think I was so miserable all on my own that I just couldn’t handle other people’s unstableness. I am slightly sorry for my friends and family during these years as I’ve been very distant and seemingly uncaring. Though I have always cared. The person I feel like I’m morphing into today is hopefully much more balanced.
There, I think, is the key. Being balanced. It is somewhat overwhelming when you think of all the things there are to balance to begin with: school, work, chores, family, friends, hobbies, activities. I used to try to make myself do these things in an orderly and organized system. I still try to organize my life to remind myself of all the things that need to happen in a day, but without motivation all of that organization is just empty planning with no action. I’m not quite 100% sure what has brought me into action today. It could be my re-ignited hope for a tragedy that has caused me grief for nearly four years. Or it could be the onslaught of warm weather and long sunny days. Maybe it is because of my renewed interest in reading and writing. Or perhaps it’s just a mental growth spurt. Whatever the reason, I need to make sure I only advance from here on. If I were to give up or doubt myself and fall back into the normal again it would be so unbelievably hard to get back out. So I must stay focused, for my goal’s sake. For my Saken’s sake. I guess at the end of the day I’ve realized that it’s his beautiful spirit finally accepted in mine that has allowed me to come back to what I was with him: happy, ambitious, hopeful and loving.
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Live a dream
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| Sunday, April 26th, 2009
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3:49 pm - Poverty
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Being poor really isn't so bad, and I wouldn't exactly say that I'm in the throws of poverty. I still have a nice house, I can still feed myself and my pets, and I can still pay all my bills on time every month. But, beyond that I have no extra cash whatsoever. So that means no cable, no new clothes, no internet. Every once in a while I can pick up my neighbor's wireless internet signal and that's the only time I'll be able to update this journal. I am still keeping an (almost) daily journal saved to my computer though, and I'll upload the entries on here whenever I can. I guess there's really no reason for me to feel like I have to put my journal entries on here, but I still hope someday he comes across them and gives me a ring.
Anyway, gotta get back to work. Will update soon.
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Live a dream
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| Friday, April 24th, 2009
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12:19 am - Life continues
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After my last entry I realized how much I miss writing. I used to at least keep a journal everyday, this journal among others, and I don’t even do that anymore. It feels good to be able to remember how I feel at a specific moment and look back on it with a little insight. I won’t be writing anymore letters to Saken or about him, but I think I might re-start this journal and start writing every day again. Maybe it would be a good way to get my thoughts in order and begin my journey.
Let me get one thing clear though. This journal was almost entirely meant for Saken before this. That’s why it died when he died. Not all of my entries explicitly spoke of him, but a lot of them were inspired by him and the way I was feeling about him and us through out the years. I’ve run the gammett as far as being ashamed of myself for this journal to being proud of myself for being able to express such a complicated part of my life. Saken will always have a very special place in my life and I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of that or let it hold me back. The truth about Saken, that is. The truth being that I never met him, never talked to him, but loved him more than anything else in the world. Love truly is blind sometimes, and apparently deaf as well. Let there always be room to remember him in a positive way in the future and allow that part of my life to shine through the rest of my existence. I love you, Sake.
I feel so odd finally being twenty-two. As if that’s such a HUGE milestone. Though I guess if I lived to be only eighty then that means I’ve already lived one-fourth of my life. Twenty five percent. One quarter. That’s a little too close to half for my taste. And then before I know it I’ll be seventy-five and wondering what in the hell just happened. Time is moving so fast now. My grandpa always explained that the reason time seems to move faster as we age is because the first year of your life is measured to nothing and seems eternal. Most of childhood is that way. One year seems so long to someone who’s only lived three. But when you get to be fifty, one year seems like a blink. And when you’re eighty, one year is nothing. But even with that explanation, time seems to be speeding up more than exponentially now. This year, for example, is already almost five months in, and nothing has happened. It scares me, which is good. I guess I need to be scared so I can start working harder and faster to accomplish my goals reasonably soon. I’m not getting any younger.
Many years ago I always knew that I wasn’t meant for a normal life. I’ve been through things that many “normal” people have never had to deal with. Though, if there’s one thing I’ve learned for sure through out these years its that no one is “normal.” We’re all a little strange, we all have different stories, and that’s what makes us unique. If we all vibrated at the same wavelengths there wouldn’t be much of a song to hear. When I say normal, I mean the usual. Marriage, job, kids, retirement. Of course saying it like that makes it seem ultra-boring when for some people it is more than a perfect life. Its just never been what I wanted, well except when I was with Saken. I’m sure I’ll never find anyone like him again though, and I miss the old me. I miss the me that was independent and defiantly unique. I miss the happy and soul-full person that I used to be with Saken. I figure now the only way to bring that back out of me is to enduldge myself in everything that life has to offer. I want to leave. I want to go and never stop. I want to see everything I can see, stand in all the places I can stand. There is so MUCH in our world that we never experience in that normal cycle of life. Most people don’t miss it since the amazing TV box brings those things right to you. I miss it though. I figure, I’m already as disconnected as someone who was as teetering on the edge of being a hermit could be. I have friends, and I love my family, but no one would hurt too badly if I left. I guess I’ve always been working my life in that direction expecting to leave for other reasons, but now here I am. I’m ready to go.
So now I need a plan. A start to end, step by step way to achieve my goal of leaving and seeing the world. I also need to consider all the possibilities along the way and try to plan for those as best as possible as well, I don’t want to just leave without giving myself reason to go or a means of getting there. I figure, again, that I love to write. People enjoy reading my writing as well, so I could document my travels and maybe some people could vicariously live through my experience. I could maybe get a video journal going too and meet local people and make new friends along the way. Making friends has never been an issue for me, just keeping them. Obviously I won’t have to worry about that quite so much when I’m moving so often. So, my first goal will be to document my journeys extensively. What would be the point of them if I didn’t engrave them in permanency somehow? Another thing I’ve learned: human memory sucks. Albeit a good and bad thing.
Now my next goal will concern the way I go about this. If I can do this in a self-sustaining fashion I might be able to give other people different ideas of how life could be. What if you could live in a comfortably sized RV with all the luxuries of any other home; a bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, TV box; and be able to travel anywhere in the world and do it for almost no money? Obviously it won’t be cheap for me starting out. Even if I get a run down RV and restore it, it’ll still cost mu-lah. And then the alterations would be costly as well. Solar panels, wind turbines that could operate while you drive, a vertical indoor garden and indoor storage where you could stock a years worth of food at a time, and so on. I guess nothing in life is ever easy though, especially the really important things. I’d also have to alter a truck and motorbike to bring with me. It wouldn’t make much sense to have a self sustaining RV and a truck that only gets seventeen mpg.
Since I’ll more than likely be traveling alone, I should perhaps enlighten myself with some different company as well. Ever since I got my black german shepherd, Addea, I’ve realized how much having a dog can influence your life. She reminds me to be stable, to be strong. If I portay weakness around her then I am not her pack leader and she would be unruly. I’ve also learned through my job that dogs can be taught almost anything. It would be more than comfortably safe for me to travel alone if I had a pack of three large guard dogs. Even more, I could also train them for search and rescue and maybe get a little good out of my ability to move anywhere easily. So that will be my third goal, train a pack of dogs to take with me.
So I guess now I just need to figure out how to get this all into motion. I know a school I can go to that will teach me everything I need to know about raising and training perfectly obedient guard and search dogs. But of course that costs money as well. So then my next seeable step is to raise more money. I think the best way to do this will be to start my ebay business. It will be unbelievably time consuming to do that as well as work fulltime and hopefully start school this summer. But if this is what my heart really wants, I know I’ll work hard to make it happen. I won’t let it slip past me like other things in my life. I’m hoping that if I can get my business running smoothly, it will be something I can take with me on the road. Traveling the world would give me the opportunity to find amazing items that you wouldn’t find in any Walmart or Target, and perhaps there would be a market for that. Maybe even moreso if people were along for the journey and could see where these things were coming from, the story behind them. You can mail a package almost anywhere, and internet access is becoming more and more available all over the world every day, so it just makes sense.
I guess, finally, the best thing I could be doing for myself right now is to put out that desire into the Universe. They say that the universe gives back what you put in, and I believe that. So let there be nothing but desire to escape oozing from my soul. I’m sure people will call me crazy, I’m sure it will be hard and unbelievably time consuming. But I don’t have much of a choice. I refuse to let life fly by me in the usual cycle of things. I refuse to continue to be unhappy because my soul didn’t get what it originally wanted out of life. It’s not the end of the world yet, and it’s time for me to do the best I can with what I have. I just have to remember to never give up, never doubt myself. I did that once and I regret it enough as it is without making the same mistake twice. I know what I want, and I’m going to get it this time.
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Live a dream
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| Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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8:06 pm - The Final Letter
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How… how do you start a final goodbye to the person your soul would have spent the rest of eternity with? This will certainly be hard…
For days now my mind has been burning with the thought of you. My heart has been gripped again, strangled by the total sadness that I have in knowing that you’re not here, that we’re not happy together swinging in the cool weather on our hammock overlooking the deep gray ocean. Every night I’ve lain awake wondering what to do about it. Should I waste my time writing one more letter? What could I possibly say that I haven’t already said a million times? I miss you. I love you. Please come back. You’ve heard all that. It’s just that it has been so long since I’ve talked to you that I now find it hard to remember the exact feeling you used to light up inside me. I remember it was warm. I remember it was safe, and whole. And I know no one else will ever bring it to me. Saken… I know we had a falling out before you left. I know I hurt you pretty badly. I can at least promise that that was never my intent. As you know all too well, loving you as strongly as I did for as long as I did without ever getting to hear your voice or touch your skin truly broke my heart. I thought I could last forever without those things as long as I had your company. Even now, I would trade a life full of kisses and hugs and physical contact with someone I only half-heartedly love to spend one more minute with your sweet friendship. Just one minute. I want to feel that fire in my heart like I used to. I want to believe that it wasn’t all just a childish dream. There’s so much I want to say to you, love. So much that went unsaid. My typed words in a journal will never be able to fully express the way I loved you or how much. They’ll never be able to convey how terribly hard it has been for me to try to be happy without you. I’ve known many people in my life for as young as I am. I traveled through twelve different school districts as a kid, and met people from as far away as New Zealand when I was in college. Even today at my job I meet new people all the time. And let me tell you, Sake, not a single one of those souls even began to fill my soul up like you did. Sure, I care about some of them, and I know they care about me. But I’ve never felt the same for anyone that I feel for you. Never as strong, never as unconditional. There have been flings, I won’t lie. Short ones and long ones, too long on one occasion. But I always felt guilty, as if I was leading them on, because I knew deep down that I could never love them fully. A huge part of me has been missing ever since you left, and no one will ever know that part again, unless of course you bring it back to me. That is if you aren’t dead, which I still wonder about obsessively.
I read through our old emails again, right up until the one that Gabby sent. I realize now that it had only been a week since we had our “break up” and reconciled, and then you were just gone. It seems a little convenient now, that when I was tired of living with just typed words you were suddenly completely gone, stealing any hope I had left that we really might meet one day, that we’d share just one kiss. Your prolonged absence even when we were together has always left me puzzled as well.
What were you, Saken Demo? Sometimes I wonder if maybe what everyone stereotypically thinks of when they think “internet love” was the truth. Maybe you were some 60 year old pervert with a lust for fantasies of love with young girls. Or maybe something entirely different was going on, something I never knew about and couldn’t possibly dream of that made you keep your distance from me. Or maybe it was all true. Maybe you were just sick, and in debt, and struggling all on your own without me there to complicate your life, constantly begging for your attention. There are so many maybes, and every single one of them seems more plausible than the first. Maybe, and this is a real stretch, but maybe you weren’t human at all. Maybe you were just a lonely spirit that realized you could find deep love with an unsuspecting girl over the internet. Even that seems more possible than you being some kind of sick pervert. Whatever you were doesn’t really matter anymore, though. Despite how hard I’ve tried to scare myself into not loving you, it obviously hasn’t worked. I may never know who you were, but I am almost positive that you didn’t die that night in December. After Gabby sent me that first email claiming that you were gone, I was completely devastated. Thinking back to that moment always rips me apart. I’ve never felt a worse pain. But I drudged to work anyway. Who would believe me if I would have told the truth?
‘Oh, I can’t work. I can’t go to school. My soulmate who I’ve never met is supposively dead and I can’t function, I can’t even breathe…’
Yea right, that sounds real sane. So there I sat at work, my body totally hollow. It’s a feeling I can’t describe, and it’s so hard even trying to think of how to. I was dead on the inside and I wanted the outside to match. Driving back to my dorm room I honestly thought about swerving my pathetic little Toyota into a semi truck. Even if it didn’t kill me the pain from my wounds might at least be enough to dull the pain in my heart. And when I strolled through the door and looked at my emails, I again can’t describe the immense relief that washed over my entire being when I got that second email saying you were ok, that someone hacked your account and not to worry.
‘Don’t worry love. I’ll talk to you soon.’
Honestly, had it not been for that second email, I’m sure I would have done something terrible to myself in that first week. So looking back, either one of two things occurred;
One: You weren’t really dead, but someone was trying to keep us apart. I don’t know how they convinced you to stay away, but after that initial email, you did. And we haven’t spoken since.
Or, Two: You really did die that night like Gabby said, and by some miracle of God your spirit sent me one last email, just enough sentiment to keep me from going over the edge.
I still don’t know which one of those two is true, but my heart aches and prays that it’s the first. Even if all you did was leave a comment on this wretched journal telling me you were alive and healthy my mind would be so much more at ease. I won’t lie, I would have a million questions and I’d still wish for just that one last minute to spend with you. But it would be so much better than having to wonder if you died thinking that I didn’t love you as strongly as when we met. Or that I didn’t love you at all. I hope the sincerity I tried so hard to put in every one of my emails and messages shone through, though, and that you knew how much I loved you. How much I still love you.
I don’t even know if you read these journals anymore, Saken. I’m not even sure if you remember me anymore. It makes me sad and happy knowing that time does help heal and dull the pain, but only because I’m slowly loosing the memory of you. I haven’t lost it completely, I’m sure I never will, but maybe you have. So, then, it would be totally pointless for me to spend this last letter begging you to give me another chance. But I will say that if you ever did decide to give me a second chance, I promise things would be different. If I found a message from you tomorrow, I would be in my car and on my way to see you the next day. I’d take the little in savings I have and I would leave everything to be with you, no questions asked. As long as I could sleep on your couch and eat your table scraps until I could get my feet under me then everything would be fine. Actually, it would be more than fine, it would be perfect. I can also promise, and I mean this with everything in me, you will never come to find me in love with another man. There have been men that I love, but never that I’ve been IN love with, and the love I’ve had for them has never been anything at all like the love I have for you. I know you will never find me married to anyone. I’ll never have any children. The only time I ever wanted those dull normal things in my life was when I was with you anyway, because then it would have been magnificent instead of dull. But only because it would have been with you. I don’t feel sad for myself knowing that I won’t have those things in my life. I never wanted an average life any how; the 9 to 5 job with screaming kids and a distant husband isn’t my idea of happiness. I’m not sad without those things, instead I’m happy to know that I got to share in what I believe is the truest love you could ever find in the world at all. Even though it wasn’t long, and definitely not perfect, at least I had it for a time. I feel sympathy for the other people in my life, the ones that don’t think there is such a thing as true love. The ones who are married, unhappily, with children just trying to scrape by day to day, I do not envy them in the least. There are only a few people, two I can think of, that are completely happy in the relationships they are in. That’s two people out of the hundreds that I know, and it makes my heart ache a little. Sometimes I wonder if “true love” is just the makings of an innocent child’s imagination. If that’s the case then I’ll hold onto my innocence until the day I die. Maybe if I try hard enough I’ll turn into Peter Pan and never ever grow old and cynical. Or if I do grow old, I at least hope I can hold onto some semblance of the way I felt with you.
My love, you have been the greatest inspiration my life has ever had. Before you died and after, some of the most beautiful things I ever wrote were about you. Just look through these journal entries to see that. Sometimes my mind is so full with the thought of our lingering love that I feel like I could write an entire book about it, and still have enough inspiration left to write and direct the movie. Maybe someday I will. I’ll call it, “Forever Loved.” Make sure to look for it, I’m certain it will be a best seller. Though if you never come back to give the story a true happy ending I’ll just have to make one up. Our story deserves that at least.
Also remember, my love, we’ll always have the dreams. You still visit me from time to time in my sleep. Those are the rare moments I wake up and feel totally peaceful with the world. I hope I never lose those, because there’s not much else you left behind for me to hold onto. Sometimes I ponder if it would have been worse if you had made it out to see me that first summer. Would it have been better or more terrible to have you for that short time, memorize your face and your voice, become familiar with your scent and your touch, and then loose you? Part of me wishes it had been that way because at least then I would have some sort of solid memory of you and maybe that way you made me feel would be harder to forget. But at the same time I realize that it was hard enough loosing you without that extra physical connection, so hard that I almost took my life. If I had tasted your lips and then lost you, maybe I would have fulfilled that wish to be dead inside and out. I can’t tell you all the crazy thoughts like that that have run through my head since you’ve been gone, Sake. I wish you were here so we could still talk about it. You always had a way of putting my loopy mind at ease when no one else could. I’ve thought about the past, how we met and why we fell in love. I’ve thought about all the things we went through, and all the lonely nights, falling asleep peacefully only because I knew you’d be there tomorrow. I thought about when we started drifting apart, and how much I regret that. I was so unbelievably selfish, and I deserve every bit of punishment I’ve received because of it. I hope at least I’ve taken something from it all and become a better person because of it… not for anyone else’s benefit… just in the off chance that you do come back. I promise things would be different. Until then, if ‘then’ ever occurs, I plan to live the best life that I can. I’m trying my best to focus my passion on my work and my goals, mostly in hopes that one day I’ll be free of this boring day-to-day scheduled life. But I won’t lie to you love; a little piece of me will always hope that someday I’ll be with you again, even if just for the briefest of moments.
If I was an outsider looking in on all this nonsense I’m sure I would find it so irrational, childish, immature and just stupid. But when is true love ever rational? I don’t know why it had to be you, Saken. Just like I’m sure you couldn’t figure out why it was me. We both had plenty of other options. Closer, easier, much more rational choices. But that wasn’t what our hearts wanted. We crossed paths for a reason. We fell in love for a reason. I’m still not sure what that reason was, but it completely doesn’t matter. My heart didn’t need any reason at all to love you as strongly as it did. Whatever it was about your soul that made my soul so peaceful, I’ve never found it again. I know I never will. Personally, I think we were unbelievably lucky that we found each other and got any time together at all. I’ll always hold on to that blessed feeling of unmistakable grand fortune at our souls coming together. It truly was beautiful while it lasted.
I wonder now, if you’re still out there somewhere, if you’ve moved on and forgotten about me. Maybe this whole love thing was one sided, though I know I didn’t feel that way when we were together. But if you were alive and cut me off for some other reason, I can’t even fathom how you did it. Maybe it was easier after I hurt you and said I didn’t want to be with you. That had to have been it. Even then, I don’t see how you’ve managed to stay away through all my writhing in agony, all my begging and pleading for just one last goodbye. You are very stubborn though. And you could always do anything you put your mind to. Maybe once I was out of the picture it was easier for you to heal. Maybe now you’re with Gabby or Jo, I know she had a thing for you. Maybe you’re happy with her. I hope that you are. While it breaks my heart to think that you could forget me and fall in love again so easily it would at least give me great comfort to know that someone was giving you the happiness you deserved. Though I promise you Sake, they can’t possibly love you even one tenth as much as I do. But, perhaps you’re ok with the half-hearted love and the normal 9 to 5 with the screaming kids and a complacent wife. I never took you for that kind of man, but what do I know. It’s been many years since we’ve talked and I know I’ve changed, I’m sure you have too.
I write this tonight running a fever, my mind in a stupor over your sweet memory. Speaking into the dark hoping for more than just an echo in response. I get stuck in these perpetual loops of happy memory and regretful loneliness. The only way I’ve ever been able to continue trudging through life is by ignoring it all. Sucking it all in, deep down into the pit of my stomach where it churns and comes to life when certain songs play, or certain movies come on TV. I’ve become far too good at faking normalcy. Faking happiness is all too easy after a long time of doing it, and the only thing that wakes me from my fake existence now and again is the realization that I have no true happiness anymore. And then when that pain stings and I linger on it, sometimes it is so hard to go back to that fake life. I don’t say these things to make you feel guilty. I’m sure you have reasons for what you did. And if you’re dead… well that certainly isn’t your fault. I write these things, keep this journal alive just in the rare, unlikely event that you stumble upon them again and remember that you used to have a very loving soulmate so far away. A mate who still loves you, always loves you, and will always be looking out for you. If you ever feel like coming back to me, please, don’t hesitate. I’m not hard to find (which probably isn’t such a good thing) but I leave myself an open book hoping when that person does come knocking at the door it’ll be you, and not some psychopath. My email is in this journal, as well as my cell # which has never changed. I’m on facebook under my full name, and I believe my current address is listed there. If not, and if you really were intent on finding me, like I said, it shouldn’t be that hard.
So this is it. I leave you with one final letter because there just isn’t much left to say. Besides, I’ve left far too many letters in vain already, and each one of them breaks my heart to write. There’s no need for any more. One day you’ll either come across this again and take it all to heart, or you’ll never come across it. Either way, I have to quit torturing myself. Though it’s hard to tell which torture is worse; living without you or begging you to come back. Still, I felt like I owed you one last explanation, one last goodbye. I am who I am today because of you, I hope you see that and I hope it makes you proud. I can’t express the gratitude I feel for having known you at all, and having shared in such an amazing love. Just remember that I am thankful, not regretful, that I knew you. Just remember that I’ll always have the best part of my heart saved for you. Saken… I miss you. I love you. Please come back. I’ll always love you. I’ll always be waiting. You are my everything. I hope one day fortune will come our way again. I hope it will bring us back together and give our story the happy ending that it so rightfully deserved. I love you, Saken Demo, with all my heart.
All my love,
Kammy
EDIT:
I know I said in this letter that I was forgetting who you were, Sake. And that truly made me sad, so, I went digging and found two old conversations we had about five years ago. I want to move them here so I can have better access to them... they reminded me of how happy we used to be together...
I miss you Sake. And I love you.
SakenDemo: hey
OceanEyesForever: hey there
OceanEyesForever: how're you
SakenDemo: tired
SakenDemo: u
OceanEyesForever: tired too
OceanEyesForever: i talked to jo earlier
SakenDemo: yeah?
OceanEyesForever: yep
SakenDemo: sorry i wasn't here went you got home
OceanEyesForever: that's alright, gave me time to get a shower
OceanEyesForever: jo's pretty nice
SakenDemo: yeah she's alright
OceanEyesForever: lo
OceanEyesForever: l
SakenDemo: ?
OceanEyesForever: she's alright
OceanEyesForever: just funny
OceanEyesForever: i told you i'm tired, and i'm laughing at stupid things
OceanEyesForever: oh, and she told me that you looked like helled warmed over when you went into wrk
SakenDemo: i already had someone tell me today that i talk about here like she's one of my guy friends not like she's a girl
SakenDemo: well i hope you had fun picturing that
OceanEyesForever: i did, actually
OceanEyesForever: and that's cool, cause i talk about my guy friends as if they're one of my girl friends
OceanEyesForever: i dunno that they appreciate that, but they can kiss my ass
SakenDemo: well Jo might as well be one of my guy friends
OceanEyesForever: why's that
SakenDemo: when she starts acting more like a girl i'll start talking about her like she's a girl
OceanEyesForever: you're so nice
SakenDemo: yeah
SakenDemo: how was your day my love?
OceanEyesForever: bad, but then when i went to work it got better
OceanEyesForever: suprisingly
OceanEyesForever: did i tell you we got another pug?
SakenDemo: no
OceanEyesForever: we did, yesterday afternoon
OceanEyesForever: and this morning i cleaned up her shit and stepped in her piss
OceanEyesForever: then i went over to my uncles house so his dog could drool on my and stick its nose up my ass
SakenDemo: so you had fun then
OceanEyesForever: oh yes
OceanEyesForever: but when i went to work julie was there and she always makes me laugh so it was good
SakenDemo: thats good
SakenDemo: is the pug older or younger?
OceanEyesForever: younger, it's one of the puppies that we had
SakenDemo: you told me once you didn't mind the younger ones
OceanEyesForever: the chick that bought her, her husband lost his job so they couldn't afford to keep her anymore
OceanEyesForever: yea, but now she's grown
OceanEyesForever: she's not a puppy anymore
SakenDemo: i c
OceanEyesForever: if you've ever had a pug, you'd understand
SakenDemo: i haven't and i don't plan on it
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: cause i'd have to leave you if you ever got one
OceanEyesForever: bigger dogs i can handle
OceanEyesForever: but the little ones that snort are annoying
SakenDemo: a friend of mine is expecting a litter of shetland sheep dogs in about 4ish months so i think i'll get one of them
OceanEyesForever: cool
OceanEyesForever: name it comething interesting
SakenDemo: she offered me first pick of the litter so i thought i would hold off getting a dog and take a look then
OceanEyesForever: i don't think i've ever seen a sheetland sheep dog
SakenDemo: like Lassie but smaller
SakenDemo: just a minature version
OceanEyesForever: not too small
SakenDemo: no
OceanEyesForever: little ones are yappy
OceanEyesForever: my uncle has a black labrador, so when i went over there i was tackling her to get the chew toy away and toss it again
SakenDemo: go look it up on google or something
OceanEyesForever: can't do that with the little dogs
OceanEyesForever: i would but i'm lazy
OceanEyesForever: i had a dream about you last night
SakenDemo: tell me?
OceanEyesForever: it was kind of weird. i dreamt we were walking over this bridge and when we got to the other side there were all these little stands selling fruit and what not. anyway, we were walking and holding hands, then we went to sit down on this boat and i leaned against you to rest for a while. it wasn't anything special, i just remember thinking how nice it was to finally be able to be right next to you and actually feel how warm you were
OceanEyesForever: it was just a nice feeling, i can't really explain it
SakenDemo: i'm glad you liked it my love
OceanEyesForever: i did
OceanEyesForever: it was really soothing
SakenDemo: good
OceanEyesForever: so you need to hurry up and get here so i don't have to dream about this stuff anymore
SakenDemo: i'm getting there as fast as i can
OceanEyesForever: i know babe
OceanEyesForever: hey
SakenDemo: hey?
OceanEyesForever: aw you ruined it
OceanEyesForever: you're supposed to say "what"
SakenDemo: oh
SakenDemo: what?
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: see, it would've flowed better
SakenDemo: well then lets try again
OceanEyesForever: hey
SakenDemo: what
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: that was perfect
SakenDemo: yep
OceanEyesForever: are you really tired, or just sorta tired?
SakenDemo: sorta tired
SakenDemo: why?
OceanEyesForever: just checkin
OceanEyesForever: i'm on the verge of really tired
SakenDemo: yeah i'm getting there
OceanEyesForever: think i could get you there faster?
SakenDemo: probably
SakenDemo: whenever you want to go my love then go i have no problem going to be
SakenDemo: d
OceanEyesForever: lol
OceanEyesForever: ok
OceanEyesForever: do you have a problem going to bed on other nights?
SakenDemo: no
OceanEyesForever: ok good
OceanEyesForever: speaking of which, did you sleep last night?
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: for very long?
SakenDemo: 7 hours
SakenDemo: broken up a little
OceanEyesForever: that's not good
SakenDemo: better then some nights
OceanEyesForever: i guess
OceanEyesForever: it'd be nice if you could get a good ten hours with no interuption
SakenDemo: ten?
OceanEyesForever: i actually prefer 12 on the weekends if i can
SakenDemo: that hasn't happened in a very very very long time
OceanEyesForever: you're so crazy
OceanEyesForever: how can you keep your eyes open?
SakenDemo: because i have to
OceanEyesForever: yea i know, but that makes me tired just thinking about you being tired
OceanEyesForever: on the weekends, if you don't have to get up for anything, you'll have to stay in bed with me till i wake up
SakenDemo: i wouldn't mind that
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: and you can't make me wake up
OceanEyesForever: that's not fair
SakenDemo: ?
OceanEyesForever: stay in bed until 7 or something and then get tired of laying there so you wake me up too so you can get up
SakenDemo: no i'd just get out of bed
OceanEyesForever: but then you'd wake me up
SakenDemo: well i'm not going to lie there and count the ceeling tiles
OceanEyesForever: psh, fine
OceanEyesForever: i'm going to lose sleep with you
SakenDemo: well i wouldn't be getting up at 7
SakenDemo: if i didn't have to anyway
SakenDemo: i think thats why no one dates Red she rolls out of bed at 5 am every morning
SakenDemo: no matter what
OceanEyesForever: so she's crazier than you are
SakenDemo: pretty much
OceanEyesForever: i don't understand how people can do that
SakenDemo: i dunno i haven't really slept in in so long i might find that i really like it
OceanEyesForever: god, i love it
SakenDemo: she's a morning person she loves it but she gets super bitchy at night
OceanEyesForever: i'm the opposite
OceanEyesForever: not that i'm really all that bitchy in the mornings, i just don't like waking up at 4 or 5
SakenDemo: well i dunno if i'm in bed with you then i don't think i'd be wanting to go anywhere
OceanEyesForever: so you wouldn't mind counting the ceiling tiles, huh?
OceanEyesForever: you know, if you got really bored, you could wake me up with kisses, then i wouldn't mind
SakenDemo: even if it was like 5 in the morning?
OceanEyesForever: i'd probably go back to sleep in an hour if i didn't have to get up, but yea
OceanEyesForever: i wouldn't mind
SakenDemo: well i promise i won't make a habbit out of doing it at five in the morning but other wise you can exepct it every morning
OceanEyesForever: that'll definitely start my day off right
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: i think i'm really tired now
SakenDemo: you should go to bed my love
OceanEyesForever: are you reading my mind now?
SakenDemo: i hope not
OceanEyesForever: that'd almost be scary
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: almost
OceanEyesForever: or maybe i'm reading your mind
SakenDemo: or maybe we should just both go to bed
OceanEyesForever: that sounds like a really good idea
OceanEyesForever: will i get to talk to you tomorrow?
SakenDemo: you should
SakenDemo: if not i'll e mail you
OceanEyesForever: good
SakenDemo: what time will you be around tomorrow?
OceanEyesForever: i work until 2ish, and i'll probably be around later in the night if you haven't already left
SakenDemo: i'll be gone by 6
SakenDemo: if not erilier'
OceanEyesForever: i'll try and be around between 2 and 6 then
SakenDemo: alright
SakenDemo: i love you
OceanEyesForever: i love you too, sleep well
SakenDemo: dream some more for me
OceanEyesForever: i will
OceanEyesForever: least i hope i will, they help me sleep
SakenDemo: i love you again
OceanEyesForever: i love you too
Live a dream
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SakenDemo: hey
OceanEyesForever: hey
OceanEyesForever: how are you
SakenDemo: ok
SakenDemo: you
OceanEyesForever: i'm ok
OceanEyesForever: been cleaning all day
SakenDemo: i c
OceanEyesForever: did you end up staying home today?
SakenDemo: yep
OceanEyesForever: i'm sorry i missed you for most of it
SakenDemo: it's not a big deal
OceanEyesForever: i tried to be around some
OceanEyesForever: i wasn't sure if you stayed or not, though
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: work today?
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: how was that
SakenDemo: ok
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: i'm sorry i missed you last night
SakenDemo: power went ot
SakenDemo: out*
OceanEyesForever: that's ok
OceanEyesForever: going back early tomorrow?
SakenDemo: later in the day i think
SakenDemo: around 3
OceanEyesForever: sounds good
OceanEyesForever: did you sleep in today?
SakenDemo: not really no
OceanEyesForever: why not?
SakenDemo: i dunno
SakenDemo: i just didn't
OceanEyesForever: maybe tonight you can instead
SakenDemo: i'd rather spend the time with you
SakenDemo: unless your busy
OceanEyesForever: no
OceanEyesForever: i'd like it if you could stay for a while
SakenDemo: sounds like a plan
OceanEyesForever: yep
OceanEyesForever: i am really really cold, i'm going to go get a sweater
SakenDemo: alright
OceanEyesForever: all my sweaters are in the drier
OceanEyesForever: sorry
SakenDemo: thats alright my love
OceanEyesForever: i am really tired
SakenDemo: i guess you outta go to bed then
OceanEyesForever: nope, i'd rather just complain about it
OceanEyesForever: lol, it wasn't that bad. i didn't get as much done as i would've liked to is all
OceanEyesForever: anyway, i'll brb babe, gotta get somethin off the stove
SakenDemo: alright
OceanEyesForever: back, sorry
SakenDemo: thats alright
OceanEyesForever: have you ever seen meet the parents?
SakenDemo: i don't think so
OceanEyesForever: you should, it's really funny
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: what
OceanEyesForever: *what're your plans for tonight
SakenDemo: i thought i'd hang around with the girl i love
SakenDemo: and u
OceanEyesForever: glad you could fit me in
OceanEyesForever: but i wouldn't want to take away from your time with that girl you love
SakenDemo: yeah i know
SakenDemo: bit of a problem
OceanEyesForever: you could always ditch her for me
SakenDemo: i dunno she might not like that
OceanEyesForever: yea that's true
OceanEyesForever: well then, i guess you're just stuck with her
SakenDemo: that sucks
OceanEyesForever: yea, i feel sorry for her
SakenDemo: yeah me to
OceanEyesForever: lol, that's not what you're supposed to say
SakenDemo: no?
OceanEyesForever: nah, you're supposed to be mean back to me
SakenDemo: oops
OceanEyesForever: you're just not good at this
OceanEyesForever: but that's ok, i love you anyway
SakenDemo: lucky me
OceanEyesForever: lucky me
SakenDemo: luckey us then
OceanEyesForever: that works
OceanEyesForever: but i still say i'm luckier
SakenDemo: you think so?
OceanEyesForever: yep
OceanEyesForever: or, i know so
SakenDemo: nah
OceanEyesForever: why not?
SakenDemo: i dunno
OceanEyesForever: well, i still think i'm lucky
SakenDemo: well so do i
OceanEyesForever: you think i'm lucky? lol
SakenDemo: sure
OceanEyesForever: good
SakenDemo: yep
SakenDemo: brb my love
OceanEyesForever: alright
SakenDemo: this could take a few minutes my love
SakenDemo: i'm on the phone
OceanEyesForever: ok, i'll stick around as long as i can
SakenDemo: alright
SakenDemo: i'm sorry
SakenDemo: i'll get rid of thim as fast as i can
OceanEyesForever: lol, ok
SakenDemo: there
SakenDemo: not as long as i thought
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: it seemed like forever though
SakenDemo: sure it did
OceanEyesForever: it did!
OceanEyesForever: i thought i wouldn't make it
SakenDemo: right
OceanEyesForever: really
OceanEyesForever: it was the hardest thing i've ever been through
SakenDemo: well then your going to have a hard time this week
OceanEyesForever: are you going to be gone a long time?
SakenDemo: until friday
OceanEyesForever: well, i think i'll be able to live
SakenDemo: i hope so
OceanEyesForever: i will as long as i get some emails
SakenDemo: eveyday
OceanEyesForever: promise?
SakenDemo: promise
OceanEyesForever: good, thank you
SakenDemo: i'd rather have an i love you
OceanEyesForever: i think i might be able to give you one of those
SakenDemo: sounds good
OceanEyesForever: you sure you want it now?
SakenDemo: why am i only alowed to have so many?
OceanEyesForever: um
OceanEyesForever: no reason'
OceanEyesForever: just wondering if you wanted it now, or later
SakenDemo: how about both
OceanEyesForever: well...
OceanEyesForever: i guess i'll give you that
OceanEyesForever: so i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: love hearing that
SakenDemo: me to
OceanEyesForever: and saying it
OceanEyesForever: so i'll say it again
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: good
SakenDemo: yep
OceanEyesForever: tired?
SakenDemo: little bit
SakenDemo: u
OceanEyesForever: feel a little better now that i've sat down for a while, actually
SakenDemo: good
OceanEyesForever: yep
OceanEyesForever: what're you gonna do tomorrow afternoon?
SakenDemo: i dunno
SakenDemo: depends when i have to go back
OceanEyesForever: hmm
OceanEyesForever: ok
OceanEyesForever: you should try and sleep in
OceanEyesForever: you ok?
SakenDemo: no i'm not feeling well all of a sudden
OceanEyesForever: get some water
SakenDemo: yeah
SakenDemo: brb
OceanEyesForever: alright
OceanEyesForever: brb
OceanEyesForever: back
SakenDemo: hang on asec love i'm really not feeling well
OceanEyesForever: alright
SakenDemo: i think i need to lay down for an hour
OceanEyesForever: alright
SakenDemo: i'll be back later if your around
OceanEyesForever: i'll be here babe
OceanEyesForever: i love you, i hope you feel better
SakenDemo: i love you to
SakenDemo signed off at 9:47:41 PM.
SakenDemo signed on at 11:01:51 PM.
SakenDemo: hey
OceanEyesForever: hey there
OceanEyesForever: feeling better?
SakenDemo: little bit
OceanEyesForever: good
SakenDemo: i took something and laydown for a bit
OceanEyesForever: was it a stomach ache?
SakenDemo: and a dead ache
SakenDemo: head*
OceanEyesForever: that's no good
OceanEyesForever: i hope it isn't the flu
SakenDemo: yeah
OceanEyesForever: but you're feeling better?
SakenDemo: i think so
OceanEyesForever: it's because you do too much
SakenDemo: ?
SakenDemo: nah
OceanEyesForever: well, i think so
OceanEyesForever: all this court stuff, and the stress, spending six hours going up there and six hours coming back, then trying to work and do school
OceanEyesForever: i'd get sick if i did that much
SakenDemo: oh well it's not like i have a choice
OceanEyesForever: i know, i just wish there was a way you could take a break for a few days
OceanEyesForever: you worry me sometimes
SakenDemo: today was a break
OceanEyesForever: you worked
SakenDemo: i have to i need the money to pay the rent
OceanEyesForever: yea i know, but working isn't a break really
SakenDemo: well i have you to come home to
SakenDemo: thats a break
OceanEyesForever: i'd be a bigger help if i were thre
OceanEyesForever: *there
SakenDemo: well thats something i have to look forward to
OceanEyesForever: i know
OceanEyesForever: i just wish i could be there for you now instead of later
SakenDemo: well i would have settled for both
SakenDemo: but i guess we can't have everything
OceanEyesForever: i would've liked everything
SakenDemo: me to
OceanEyesForever: maybe we can have everything after we're through having nothing
OceanEyesForever: well, nothing except love, but we'll alwyas have that
SakenDemo: well thats not nothing
OceanEyesForever: not nothing at all
OceanEyesForever: close to everything
SakenDemo: almost
SakenDemo: just a few kisses short
OceanEyesForever: kisses seem pretty far away right now
SakenDemo: yeah i know
OceanEyesForever: they get a little closer everyday, though
SakenDemo: once i can give them to you your going to end up getting sick of them
OceanEyesForever: haha, you'll be wishing i would get sick of them because i'll want them all the time
SakenDemo: think so?
OceanEyesForever: oh yea, i can see it already
OceanEyesForever: "gimme a kiss sake, gimme a kiss sake" "no woman, leave me alone"
SakenDemo: nah i don't think thats how it's gonna be
OceanEyesForever: don't think so?
SakenDemo: nope
OceanEyesForever: we'll see
OceanEyesForever: i bet i'll drive you nuts before the first week is up
SakenDemo: i bet you won't
OceanEyesForever: why's that
OceanEyesForever: think you could handle it?
SakenDemo: oh i'm sure that i could
OceanEyesForever: haha
OceanEyesForever: i don't know
OceanEyesForever: i'd have to see it to believe it
SakenDemo: you will
OceanEyesForever: alright
OceanEyesForever: but i still don't think you'll be able to handle it
SakenDemo: we'll see
OceanEyesForever: that we will
SakenDemo: i'm sure it'll be you whos pushing me away
OceanEyesForever: i seriously doubt that
SakenDemo: i don't
OceanEyesForever: whys that?
SakenDemo: because
OceanEyesForever: that's a really good reason
OceanEyesForever: i dunno sake, i'm pretty needy, and i expect a hell of a lot of kisses and hugs and everything else from you
OceanEyesForever: you know now that i think about it, you won't be getting much of a break at all with me
OceanEyesForever: you might even get sick of givin me kisses in the first day
SakenDemo: i don't think so
OceanEyesForever: lol, yea. you could probably make me eternally happy with just one kiss, so i doubt a few extra will be too tough for you
SakenDemo: just one huh?
OceanEyesForever: probably
OceanEyesForever: doesn't mean i won't want more, though
SakenDemo: well if thats all it takes i think i'll have to look for another girlfriend on the side
OceanEyesForever: psh, i'm just easily pleased. i can never have enough of a good thing, though
SakenDemo: no?
OceanEyesForever: nope
OceanEyesForever: man, i really want a kiss now
SakenDemo: well i'm sorry i can't help you yet
OceanEyesForever: you just owe me more, now
SakenDemo: i better be getting some of these back
OceanEyesForever: i'll think about it
OceanEyesForever: lol, you'll probably end up getting more than you give
SakenDemo: i can live with that
OceanEyesForever: i dunno if i can
SakenDemo: then i guess i'll have to even it up a bit
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: i think we'll be pretty well off then
SakenDemo: yep me to
OceanEyesForever: do you know how to play poker
SakenDemo: what kind of poker?
OceanEyesForever: poker poker
OceanEyesForever: i dunno, i don't know how to play that well
OceanEyesForever: i was going to tell you that you need to teach me sometime cause i suck ass
SakenDemo: if your talking about five card draw i do alright with it
OceanEyesForever: i think that's it
SakenDemo: i'd rather play black jack though
OceanEyesForever: don't know that one either
SakenDemo: black jack?
SakenDemo: 21
OceanEyesForever: oh yea
OceanEyesForever: that's easy, though
SakenDemo: thats why i like it
OceanEyesForever: hah hah, what's that say about me?
SakenDemo: not much
OceanEyesForever: yea, thanks a ton
OceanEyesForever: are you still very tired?
SakenDemo: little bit
SakenDemo: brb
OceanEyesForever: k
OceanEyesForever: brb too
OceanEyesForever: back
SakenDemo: back
OceanEyesForever: welcome back
SakenDemo: thanks
OceanEyesForever: course
SakenDemo: so what were we talking about?
OceanEyesForever: last thing i remember was kisses
OceanEyesForever: but that's all i really remember
OceanEyesForever: one track mind, ya know?
SakenDemo: yeah i knpw
SakenDemo: know*
OceanEyesForever: i want to play blackajck with you sometime
OceanEyesForever: not tonight, i'm too tired
OceanEyesForever: but sometime when i can kick your ass
SakenDemo: sure
OceanEyesForever: a date it is
SakenDemo: yep
SakenDemo: i'm not paying though
OceanEyesForever: that's not very gentlemanly of you
SakenDemo: i never said i was a gentleman did i?
OceanEyesForever: fine then, but you can bet you aren't getting anything in return after the night
OceanEyesForever: not even a kiss
SakenDemo: sounds good to me
SakenDemo: more time to sleep
OceanEyesForever: you're a jerk
OceanEyesForever: but i love you anyway, so you're just a lucky jerk
SakenDemo: yep
OceanEyesForever: hell, lets just cancel the date and go straight to bed and sleep
SakenDemo: sounds like a plan but i think i'd end up on the couch
OceanEyesForever: oh really?
OceanEyesForever: you're pretty smart if you think that
SakenDemo: i like to think i am
OceanEyesForever: i've noticed
OceanEyesForever: not as smart as me, but that's ok
SakenDemo: well i don't think i could even hope to be THAT smart
OceanEyesForever: oh ha ha, your sarcasm is just so witty
OceanEyesForever: how can you stand to live with yourself, being THAT witty?
SakenDemo: i dunno i surprise myself sometimes
OceanEyesForever: i'm sure, lol
OceanEyesForever: if you're so smart, then you'd know that you oughta just pay for the date
SakenDemo: think so
OceanEyesForever: yea, i do
SakenDemo: well i'll think about it
OceanEyesForever: gee thanks
OceanEyesForever: you know, i gotta get up and go to school tomorrow
SakenDemo: so you need to go to bed?
OceanEyesForever: don't need to
OceanEyesForever: just lettin ya kow
OceanEyesForever: *know
SakenDemo: i don't want you to be tired
SakenDemo: i probably won't see you before i leave though
OceanEyesForever: yea, so i'd rather just stay with you
SakenDemo: sounds like a plan
OceanEyesForever: can't ya just come to bed with me
SakenDemo: i'd love to
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: but then i don't think i'd want to move outta your arms in the morning
SakenDemo: call in sick
OceanEyesForever: that'd be a good idea
OceanEyesForever: we'll both call in sick and spend the day together
SakenDemo: sounds like a plan
OceanEyesForever: you'll have to turn off your cell, though
OceanEyesForever: i'm jealous of it
SakenDemo: do i have to?
OceanEyesForever: i know it's hard, but yes
SakenDemo: and if i don't
OceanEyesForever: i'll have to leave you for a man who's not emotionally attached to his cell phone
SakenDemo: well then it was nice knowing you
SakenDemo: best of luck with that
OceanEyesForever: yea yea
OceanEyesForever: i see where i stand now
OceanEyesForever: 1. cell
2. dogs
3. kammy
SakenDemo: you forgot work
OceanEyesForever: oh geez, how could i
OceanEyesForever: so where would that be, 3rd and then i'd be 4th?
SakenDemo: nah i think work would be second and that would put you somewhere around 1st
OceanEyesForever: oh, i like that much better
SakenDemo: yeah?
SakenDemo: i'm i moving off the couch yet?
OceanEyesForever: you're close
SakenDemo: what else do i have to do?
OceanEyesForever: hmm
OceanEyesForever: 1st on the list, lots of kisses, a whole day to ourselves
OceanEyesForever: all that's left is an i love you, then i'll let ya back
SakenDemo: just one?
OceanEyesForever: two would keep ya off the couch for a week
SakenDemo: i dunno
SakenDemo: thats alot to be asking for
OceanEyesForever: i thought you said you could handle it
SakenDemo: i lied
OceanEyesForever: well now i don't think i can ever trust you again
OceanEyesForever: you're back on the couch
SakenDemo: the couch is uncomfortable i'm moving out
OceanEyesForever: suit yourself, as long as i got the nice house all to myself, you can do whatever you want
SakenDemo: well if it's my house then i'm kicking you out
OceanEyesForever: good luck
OceanEyesForever: aw, all this talk of sleeping and kicking people out of houses has made me really tired
SakenDemo: yeah
SakenDemo: i guess you outta go to bed my love it is kinda late and you do have to get up
OceanEyesForever: i really don't want to leave you
OceanEyesForever: but i am tired and i won't be able to get through the day if i don't get at least 5 hours
OceanEyesForever: can i get one of my i love yous now?
SakenDemo: just one?
OceanEyesForever: another one when we say goodnight
SakenDemo: i love you
OceanEyesForever: i love you too
OceanEyesForever: will you email me tomorrow before you leave?
SakenDemo: if i can i will
SakenDemo: if not i will when i get there
OceanEyesForever: alright, thank you
OceanEyesForever: promise to think about me alot while you're gone too
SakenDemo: that won't be hard
OceanEyesForever: and make sure to sleep well, and relax every once in a while
SakenDemo: that might be a little harder
OceanEyesForever: well, at least try
SakenDemo: i will
OceanEyesForever: alright
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
OceanEyesForever: goodnight
SakenDemo: sweet dreams my love
SakenDemo: you owe me a few
OceanEyesForever: i'll have lots for you, i promise
SakenDemo: i love you again
OceanEyesForever: i love you too
OceanEyesForever: i love you one more time for the road
SakenDemo: i love you to
SakenDemo: we could be doing this all night
OceanEyesForever: i wouldn't mind
SakenDemo: me neither
OceanEyesForever: i hate leaving you and missing you
OceanEyesForever: and when you come back you're tired and busy
OceanEyesForever: we never get to talk like this anymore
SakenDemo: i know
SakenDemo: i miss it
OceanEyesForever: me too
OceanEyesForever: can't we just stop time for a while and keep going like this
SakenDemo: sounds like a plan
OceanEyesForever: yea
OceanEyesForever: i really don't want to leave
SakenDemo: you'll be tired my love
OceanEyesForever: i know, i can barely keep my eyes open now
SakenDemo: then you need to go to bed
OceanEyesForever: i know
SakenDemo: once we're togeather then we'll have lots of time to stay up togeather and and talk and kiss
OceanEyesForever: i hope that happens really soon
SakenDemo: me ot
SakenDemo: to*
OceanEyesForever: i guess i'll head to bed
OceanEyesForever: write me long emails
SakenDemo: i never know what to say
OceanEyesForever: i like the ones you write
OceanEyesForever: just tell me about your day and put in as many i love yous as you can fit
SakenDemo: i can do that
OceanEyesForever: good
OceanEyesForever: i'll make sure to write back
SakenDemo: alright
OceanEyesForever: i love you
SakenDemo: i love you to
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Live a dream
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| Monday, February 9th, 2009
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2:27 pm - I still dream about you.
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I haven't forgotten you. Sometimes I wish I could. Love doesn't mean much to me anymore because all the people I meet couldn't even begin to give me the same soul connection that you did. One day I'll know the reason for this mess and I hope it all makes sense. I hope it was a good reason because life just hasn't been what I hoped it was going to be w/o you. I feel stupid and sad and regretful, and no one can give me any answers. No one can talk to me about it because no one really knows. I wonder if you're still there, do you miss me? Or did you forget and move on? Why the hell can't I forget? I don't even remember who you were anymore, but I do remember how you made me feel and that alone has made my life very loveless and lonely. I hope it makes you happy, I hope you remember who I am and know that I still look at the stars and wonder about you. I don't think I'll ever be able to let it go.
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Live a dream
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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12:31 am - I've come full circle
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My Love, Sake,
I'm writing this to let you know I'm ok. I'm finally ok. I've really come full circle and I want to share it with you.
When I first found out you had "died," I was a total wreck. I know we had been drifting apart for some time before that, and even broke up for a few weeks before hand too. I think it was maybe a week before you "died" though, I was laying in bed in my dorm room listening to some soft music and thinking of you. I thought about how we were falling apart, and how I'd hurt you and how you'd hurt me. I thought about all the bad, and then I thought about all the good. I started to remember how much I loved you, how much I had always loved you, and my heart felt full. My whole body felt lighter and that inner shining love came through me again. I realized that night that you were and still are the most important person in my life. I am who I am because of you, I am beautiful and strong and passionate because you brought these things out of me and nutured them. That night my soul connected with yours again, and life seemed so much brighter. Then, you were gone.
At first I was in denial, especially after I received the second email, supposively from you, saying that you were ok and that the first email from Gabby was a fake. I was so relieved... for a little while. But then there was nothing. Gabby was little to no help as well, infact I'd say she made it worse. She told me you were gone with no real reason or rhyme, told me to deal with it, and cut me off. After that I hit rock bottom. For about six months I cried every single day. For at least a year I cried once or more a week. Everytime I thought about you tears would come to my eyes and my heart would ache in such a terrible way, worse than I've ever felt before. Those two years were the worst I've ever known. I went on some anti depressant medications, and then some anti anxiety medicines. Then I got with an abusive boyfriend who told me how stupid and worthless I was on a weekly basis. For a while, I shut down. I would lay in bed night and day, unable to move or think, so unbelievably depressed. I think if things would have kept going that way I might have done something horrible to myself. Thankfully I found a little help, in a very odd place.
About one year after you died, and after having been on different medications for anxiety and depression I started researching marijuana. Up until that point I had never done any drug besides the ones I was prescribed. I thought all drugs were evil and made you into an evil person, and I even remember getting mad at you a few times when you told me about how you smoked. But after researching it a little, I decided I wanted to try it out. At first I didn't smoke much at all, maybe a hit or two every couple of weeks or so. It brought me to another level of conciousness. It cleared my mind and soul and helped me begin the slow process of healing. Ever since then I have smoked pot on a fairly regular basis, quiting here and there when I need to. Honestly I don't think I would've been able to heal without it.
Now this last year is where I've finally start to come around. I broke up with the abusive ex, and am single and happy. I also got a dog, her name is Addea, she's a black german shepherd and I love her, she's a wonderful dog. I also started to love myself again. I became very interested in the Universe and life and what its all about. I've learned so much and grown so much just in these past six months, I can only imagine what I'll learn in the next six. I also try to meditate on a daily basis now, too. I've come to learn that we are all conciousness, we are all each other and that love is the energy of the universe. I'm beginning to wake up every day with a smile on my face again, like I used to when I was with you. I look into my future now and I can see a clear goal. My goal is in hopefully less than two years, I will have a truck, a camper, and a motorbike, and I'm leaving to travel the world. I never wanted an ordinary life with kids and marriage, a career, retirement and death. That was never for me. Now I plan on seeing and experiencing all there is in this world, be it good or bad. The journey may be lonely, but I've come to find that I am never really lonely because I always have you in my heart.
I am writing this today because I got to thinking about us again. About what happened and why. I was so miserable for so long after you were gone that I thought I'd never be happy with just your memory. But after reading through all our old emails and instant message conversations I realized something; I am 100% who I am because of YOU. You made me strong, you made me believe in love and hope for a great future. You made me passionate and determined. I didn't understand at first but now I think I do. I am about to embark on the journey of my life, and if I had not known you when I did, I don't think I would've had the courage, strength, or determination to make it happen. So thank you, Saken. Whatever you were, whoever you were, thank you for making me who I am. I love myself and I'm beginning to love the world again because of you. So I just wanted you to know, I'm finally ok. I'm happy again, and this love I'm feeling is so wonderful and I've missed it so much. I still miss you. I still wish you were here to share in this love and this journey with me. I've come to accept the fact that I will more than likely be traveling alone. Maybe with a friend, but not with a soulmate. You were, are, and always will be my soulmate, that's something I can't change and wouldn't even if I could. You are my soulmate and you will always be apart of my soul and my heart and for you, I will live a long and happy life full of experience and love. For us, I will do this.
Last but not least, don't you ever forget that I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will. I hope that if you're still out there, you feel the same way.
Love always, Kammy
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3 dreams - Live a dream
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