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I still dream of you [Apr. 6th, 2016|01:32 pm]
It's been over a decade since we last talked. But for the last two nights, I've dreamed of you. I'll be 29 in about a week, and sort of struggling with the reality that it's the last year of my 20s. The older I get and the more I live, the more I see friends die, and it always makes me sad and reminds me of my own great losses. For some reason I've always missed you most around this time of the year. Maybe its that longing ache of remembering when we had great plans to spend summers together. Maybe my heart always remembers that even when I consciously don't.

I've realized that you probably weren't who you said you were. But it doesn't really matter to me. You could have been so many things on the other end of the computer and it never would have mattered, I still would have loved you. Part of me truly hopes that you were someone different, that Saken was a mask and you're still alive and happy living as who you really are. Part of me really hopes that's the case. The saddest thought for me is that you really are gone, because no matter who you really were, I knew enough about you to know you didn't deserve to go so soon. And who knows, maybe it wasn't soon, maybe you were really 90 years old and it was just your time. Whatever the case was, I know from having spent so much time talking with you over the years we were together, that the world lost someone beautiful when you left. If you left, that is. I still hope you didn't, and it's truly more comforting to me to imagine you're still alive and living as someone else than to imagine that you're gone.

I need to apologize to you. I never deserved you, at least who I knew you as. As much as I wanted to be with only you, I couldn't stop myself from needing physical company, and on more than one occasion I dated other guys while I was "with" you. And I'm sorry for that. It used to tear me up inside that I needed to hold someones hand so bad, that I needed to feel what it was like to be kissed so bad, that I would turn away from the one person I truly wanted it from to get it from someone I cared so little about. But I was young and I was hurt every time you'd promise to visit and wouldn't come. Every time I begged to just talk on the phone or video chat or do anything to make you more real and you would turn me down, it broke my heart and sent me looking for that love somewhere else. It's not a good excuse, I should have been honest with you from the start, but I didn't want to lose you. And I'm old enough to realize now that there were probably many reasons you didn't want us to be more real. At the end of the day, it still didn't matter. I still love you even all these years later.

I'm old enough to know better, now. I'm old enough to let go and move on, and for the most part, I have. But I still dream of you, and I still think of you and how much I miss you sometimes. Maybe all I miss is the idea of you, maybe all I loved was the idea of you, maybe if we had been together in reality I never would have felt so strong. I don't really know, I never will. All I know for sure is that I've never been able to let go of the love I had for you, and I probably never will. For some reason, it never goes away. No matter how old and stupid I feel for still loving you, I still do anyway. And I still dream of you.

Where ever you are, I hope you are happy and loved. And I miss you. Te amo.
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somewhere [May. 31st, 2015|02:08 am]
in another universe in this huge multiverse, we're comfortably wrapped together swinging on the hammock. sometimes the pair of us that made it in that universe, in that reality, resonate so hard that I'm sure i feel it on all frequencies and in all other universes.. and it makes my heart ache.

I know somewhere, in a time before this or a time after, or maybe right this second but somewhere very far away, we're together. and your gently touching my arm and I'm kissing your cheek while we quietly watch the stars. and the version of me that got to have you is so heartful that it's about to burst, and that feeling is so heavy that it travels to every other version of me whether that version was lucky enough to know you in any sort of way or not, and right now, in this instance, all of our hearts are aching.

somewhere in the beginning we were together. at the Big Bang, or maybe long before in another dimension of space and time, we started as one, and like matter and anti matter, we split. and for a moment, we're traveling this space seprately, but always searching for the other. always meaning to be together. one day we will be again. somewhere else out there, we already are.

I could have loved lots of people. I could have had so many instances of "lost love online" with so many people that I never got to meet in person. but for a reason, I loved you the most. for a reason, I still love you, and I never, ever stopped. for a reason, I am sure, one day I'll close my eyes for the last time and the last thing I'll think of is you.

te amo, Saken.
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am I awake? [Mar. 26th, 2015|01:36 am]
I came home recently. after a long drive in the pouring rain, I climbed into my old bed and fell fast asleep. and I spent the whole night dreaming of you. who would have thought? ten years gone and I still sleep and you're in my mind. two years with my current boyfriend, and while we plan to move in together soon, I still wonder.. would I be with him if you randomly arrived at my doorstep? I guess some things never change, and some loves never die. I still struggle with who you were and why we happened. were you the person I knew and imagined? in my recent dream you weren't. you changed from who I knew you as, to a dog, to a woman, and then to a stranger. but I loved you no matter what. I was sad in the end, because you came back to be near me but you were with someone else. and I am with someone else too.. but I was sad. you wouldn't even hardly touch me... idk sake. I miss you. I love my boyfriend and he is everything I ever needed from you.. but I still miss you. and it makes me feel like an asshole for loving two people so hard.. and the one I never got to touch just slightly harder. I just need you to know.. if you're still out there.. that I still love you. and I still dream of you. I dream of us. one day I'll die and you'll be there waiting for me.. and this life will be worth it. te amo
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(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2013|01:49 am]
another birthday come and gone. It's sad to think that I am living it without you again. But, that's just how life is sometimes. I am not going to regret or feel sad for it anymore. I just miss you. I wish, and I thought, that at this point in my life I would be with you somewhere and we would be together for the rest of our lives. But, life isn't like that sometimes. still, I live for you, and I live because of you, and I am part of you and you are part of me. And in that way, you will always be with me, and we will always be together. I love you very much. And I miss you every day. And I hope wherever you are that you are happy. Te amo, Saken. Love, Kami
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Single [Dec. 12th, 2012|03:56 am]
Another successful night being single. I arrived at the brewery 15 minutes early. No big deal, I'll sit at the bar. It's still early though and the bar is busy, so I decide to get a table. I tell the hostess it will be me and at least two others as I expect my best friend and her boyfriend to soon arrive. She seats me at a table for three. I order a beer and 20 minutes later, I realize my friend is running late. I order food. 20 more minutes pass and I have eaten my soup and drank my beer, my friend is still not here. I'm beginning to think my waiter may suspect me of lying about meeting people there. I try to enjoy my own company and wait patiently. Finally, my friend arrives. She sits with me and at last I have company, but her boyfriend is not there. She tells me he is at the bar with his friend Andrew, and Andrew's girlfriend, Rain. Oh. I didn't realize they were coming, but I try to make it seem as though I am happy for the extra company. I suspect Rain may not like me as her boyfriend Andrew has professed his drunken love for me on at least two occasions but he was drunk, and it was all in drunk fun, so I make what could have been an awkward situation seem totally laid back and normal. We sit at a table, my best friend Sara and her boyfriend, Karl, and Andrew and Rain, and me. I try not to feel nor act like the fifth wheel, but conversation lacks on my end as the couples talk about couple-ish things. I suspect I need more to drink and hurry to drink my beer. The mood lightens and I feel better, and excuse myself to the restroom. When I return, I see that Keith and his girlfriend Lauren have joined us. I suspect that Lauren may also not like me as the last time I hung out with her boyfriend, Lauren accused him of hitting on me. I didn't feel like this was the case as we merely traded our birthday drinks we won from the bar. I thought it was innocent, but apparently it wasn't. I again make an awkward situation seem normal. I drink more. The conversation is light and I try to keep up, having to have a voice for two among the couples. Everything is ok. The waitress says she must bring us our checks and asks how to split it. Sara and Karl are on one, Andrew and Rain are on one, Keith and Lauren are on one, and I am on my own. Keith makes a smart ass remark about me being a 7th wheel, to which I make a smart ass comeback. The table laughs and everything is ok. I act like everything is ok. Andrew and Rain decide to leave for the night, so Sara and Karl, Keith and Lauren, and I go to a new bar down the street. The bar is high-class with a beer list that impresses the group. I further impress them with my knowledge and suggestions. I'm finally on top. The handsome bartender admires my beer knowledge and I give him ample praise for his beer suggestions. Everything is good. Sara suggests that us girls have a girl night out sometime. I laugh and remark that all of my nights are girl nights out. Lauren is drunk and laughs too. I buy the group a round of fancy cheese to go with our fancy beer. Again, the group is impressed, and everything is good. Our time here is short though, and we leave to visit Karl and Sara's new apartment. We get there and it is gorgeous. I'm truly jealous of her life. There is a book on her mantle of pictures of Sara and Karl together. Again, I am jealous. Sara opens the bottle of wine I brought for her for her house warming gift, the group enjoys the wine. Lauren, Sara and I spend time together away from the men. We talk about girl things like clothes and all is good. The night comes to an end as I sit in the single chair while Sara and Karl and Keith and Lauren cuddle together on the couch. Sara gives me an early Christmas gift but gives Lauren nothing. I am briefly on top again, and then sit in the chair while the couples cuddle. I cuddle with the cat. I excuse myself to leave for the night and Keith and Lauren also leave. I drive home alone, and I think of this story and how I will write it on here. I think of how long I've been on my own and how my life may always be this way. I have no tears to shed for it anymore. I may have let go but some times I still need to vent, so I write this story in my head while I drive home. I have to let it out. I park my car in the drive way and get out. I look at the stars and I see a shooting star.. and I realize that maybe I wasn't on my own all night after all.
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the end [Oct. 16th, 2012|02:15 am]
i've got to let this go. i can't let this continue to keep me from being fulfilled and happy. i will never forget who you are or what you've been to me. you will always be that to me. you've made me the person i am now. you've given me so much.. my strength, my determination.. but i've also let you take something from me. you've taken away my desire to find true love. i've allowed this, and you, and what we had, i've allowed it to defeat my sense of being able to find my soul mate. i've given up.. because i had it once in you.. and who am i to think that i should deserve that again? but.. i do deserve it. just like you deserve it. just like i know you'd say i deserved it if you were still here. i recently heard something that really that made me realize the truth of all this.. i know you would never want your legacy to be for me to be alone for the rest of my life.

i can't do this anymore. i have to let this go. i'll always love you.. but i can't let this keep me from loving again anymore. please.. please know.. you will always be apart of my soul. and i'm sure.. in this world or the next, i am sure i will see you again.

te amo, my love. - kami 10/2012
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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2012|02:27 pm]
dreamt about you last night. probably because i've been drunk on pain killers and muscle relaxers. at first it was good, it was good to be with you again. and then, you left me. you left me for my friend sara. i wasn't mad at you, i completely understood. sara is great, she's pretty and nice. that's why she has a great guy.. in my waking life. i wouldn't hold it against any man for wanting her. it still hurt though, to see you with someone else. it seems like everyone is with someone else. but then again, i don't even try. i don't know anymore. i feel ugly and undesirable. i know thats not true though. lots of guys would date me if i gave them the time, but i don't want lots of guys. maybe i should quit being so picky. but whats the point in even being with someone if they don't make me happy. i guess i'm still young. i can't be the only 25 yr old out there thats still single.. right? idk. miss you.
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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2012|02:38 pm]
still thinking of you.

life is slow and steady, happy but lonely. haven't really been with anyone since february. doesn't normally bother me, though it does sometimes. i don't really want anyone, i just still want you. it's a pretty twisted world we live in.

i'm emotionally charged, just waiting to be drained. overflowing with this sense of need to be in someone's company. fighting to tear down the wall i built, while hoping that it doesn't tear me apart at the same time. one day, i want to close my eyes, and when i open them, i want to see you there. i miss having you, i miss feeling love and being loved. the longer i go this way, the more it becomes ok, and thats not ok. i don't want to be alone forever. but i don't want anyone else.

love you, miss you.
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2012|01:26 am]
if I have to live the rest of my life without you, alone, then can't I just end it now instead? I don't want to be old and alone... I'm so happy I ever had you, I'm past being bitter and sad about you being gone. but I know.. no other man will ever be you. I may be happy with someone else but I'll never be.. I'll never be like I was with you. and I don't want to continue to feel so lonely for the next fifty years.. it's so tiring. I love you. come back to me. I love you, I'll always love you. I'll be here waiting... and.. I love you, Saken.
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(no subject) [Apr. 18th, 2012|09:57 pm]
sometimes i feel like i have no one i can talk to. i have no one i can confide in, no one i feel entirely comfortable being myself around. so here i am again, because i feel like i can't let these things off my chest with anyone. sometimes i try, but i always hold back. maybe out of fear, or embarassment, or distrust. i dont know. i just know that at least i have this, at least i can come here.

i had to put my childhood cat to sleep a few days ago. she hadn't been doing well.. was very skinny, hadn't been eating or drinking like she should. the few days before we put her to sleep she couldnt even walk anymore. so the day came to do it, and i volunteered to be the one to take her in. i volunteered to hold her while they did it, and i volunteered all this on my own, claiming that it did not bother me. she was 19, had a long and good life, and i was ok with it. so i took her in. i held her while the vet killed her, and i let them do it. and i cried then... as soon as i realized i had made a choice i could never take back, i cried. what if she was just sick? what if she would have gotten better? it didn't matter then, because in a matter of seconds she was dead and i couldn't take it back. i haven't felt right about it since. i was so quick to say it was no big deal, so quick to be that cold, heartless person that everyone believes i am. and in my haste, i didn't stop to think of what it meant. that cat, and i know she was only a cat, but i she had been mine for 18 years. she was around when i was sad.. when i cried about you... she sat in my lap and made me feel not so alone. and i killed her... i killed her without thinking twice and i feel so awful about it. i feel like a horrible person. it would have been different if she would have just died on her own, in her sleep or whatever. but she didn't. she was alive and she knew what was happening as she looked at the iv in her arm as they killed her... and i let it happen. i feel so awful about it. the night before a co-worker of mine tried to console me. he tried to bring it up and be there for me if i wanted to be weak, but i didnt. i blew it off like it was no big deal to kill off something that had been apart of my life for 18 years. he almost looked at me with disgust when i was so non chalant about it.. i dont blame him. its no wonder.. no surprise that no one would want to be with such a cold hearted bitch like me. i dont know anymore.. i dont know who i am anymore. i feel so conflicted. on the outside i play like someone who doesnt care. i act like someone who needs no one, is always strong and never sad. but on the inside im lonely.. im lonely and afraid and weak. and i have no one i can share that with. i don't think i would ever even want to share it. why would i burden another person with my bullshit when everyone has their own bullshit to deal with? i feel so lost now. i don't know where im headed.. i dont know who im becoming. my life is just a moment that passes, nothing more. i strive for nothing more. i hold onto the moments that make me happy, and thats it. i'm just.. floating along, with no real direction, no real purpose and no one to float along with. but i refuse to give up. i refuse to bow down and give in to this.. to this saddness, to this numbness. what i did this weekend.. it had to be done. and a part of me took over.. a part of me that is fearless and without regret. that part of me did what the weaker part of me never could have. somehow i have to reconcile these two opposites in myself. i have to respect them both.. i can't hate myself for doing what needed to be done. for doing what no one else wanted to do. and i cant hate the other half of myself for being sad.. for losing something that meant so much to me for so long. both of these halves balance me.. theyre both necessary aspects to ensure that i survive the day to day bullshit of this world. i have to acknowledge and respect them both. and with that... i really have to let go. i can't continue to feel bad for doing what i did.. and i can't continue to pretend i'm not sad to lose my pet. sometimes.. i think sometimes life is really hard. life doesn't care whether or not you can handle the shit it has to offer, and it doesn't care how you deal with it or not. life is just there to live. and you take the good in.. take it in and hold onto it and completely enjoy every second of it.. and you take the bad in. you accept the pain and learn from it and let it make you stronger. that's just life. it's all just life.. just coming and going. and it won't stop till one day i die.. so until then, i am thankful for life, for the good and the bad. always thankful.. always.

i always think at the end of days like today that i really wish you were here. i think, if only i could sleep in your arms, it wouldnt matter if the day was great or horrible, just to fall asleep in your arms would always make everything ok. i wish i still had you to keep me steady on these turbulent waters. i love you.. now, and always. goodnight, my love
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